NEW YORK CITY – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says that there is no need for any alarm at the fact that 72 players are going into quarantine, after testing positive for the Trumpapalooza pandemic virus.
Goodell told the news media that the players are going to be self-isolating and sheltering-in-place.
They will keep in tip-top shape by doing 300 push-ups, 200 sit-ups, and running 12 miles a day in their back yards.
The commissioner has instructed the players to drink plenty of diet water, eat lots of pizza, burgers, and enchiladas, and, most of all, refrain from making out with their wives and/or girlfriends.
The players union has been informed that anything in the team locker rooms belonging to the 72 players has already been gathered up and taken to a local sanitation landfill, where it will be burned using industrial flamethrowers.
The items include uniforms, helmets, cleats, durags, caps, underwear, photos of their wives or girlfriends, and, in the case of one sharp dresser, an ankle-length mink coat.