Florida May Have To Close

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 30 June 2020

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Beachgoers at Ponce de Leon Beach, now known as Coronaviurs Beach are maskless and not even close to self-distancing.

TALLAHASSEE, Florida – The governor of Florida has just announced that the Coronavirus pandemic has become so widespread, and so out-of-control, that he is thinking about closing the entire state.

Gov. Ron DeSantis, said that he blames himself for not closing Florida’s 907 beaches when he was told to do so by the Sunshine State Federation of Doctors.

The SSFD said: "we hate to say we told you so, but damnit, Ronnie, we told you so, you dumb, stupid, hard-headed turtle turd."

Meanwhile, millions of Floridians have called for the turtle turd to resign, and return to the country of his birth, Macadamia.

A popular meteorologist in Pensacola got herself in a bit of mess regarding COVID-19.

Sally Warwinkle, 22, with Channel 99's Eye Spectator News, stated on the air, that Florida needs a good old-fashioned hurricane to hit, and pick up all of the Coronavirus germs and carry them up into Georgia and the Carolinas.

Sally has been suspended for 17 days, and before she will be allowed to return back on the air, she will have to take a foot-in-mouth prevention course.

The Tallahassee Urger-Tribune is reporting that several groups, including Black Lives Matter, the Eff Trump Coalition, and the Ku Klux Klan, are going to be filing lawsuits against Governor DeSantis and his wife Desdemona.

In Other News - That huge tsunami that was headed for Malibu Beach has amazingly stopped three miles off shore.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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