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Funny satire stories about Sexual Assault

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A Poem For Cardinal Pell

Funny story: A Poem For Cardinal Pell

I, like many others, was outraged by the news that Cardinal Pell, the former Vatican treasurer, had been found guiilty in an Australian court of sexual offences against two boys in Melbourne in 1996. The court arrived at its verdict in December la...

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Prosecutors look the other way in Seagull case

Funny story: Prosecutors look the other way in Seagull case

La La Land—Prosecutors in La La Land (aka Los Angeles) announced that martial arts expert and occasional “actor” Steven Seagull will not be prosecuted for a 2002 sexual assault he (allegedly) committed against a former model. According to the mode...

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Where are they now? Dave Lee Travis' Hairy Monster

Funny story: Where are they now? Dave Lee Travis' Hairy Monster

He always liked to boast about it on live radio and he did so for years. How he got away with it for so long, nobody knows but at some point the Hairy Monster metamorphosed into the Hairy Cornflake. Maybe it had become small brown and crispy until introduced to cold liquid. According to Botham Squab (sic) in "My Days Tending the Hairy Cornflake" "The hair prefix was, of course, down to DLT’s l...

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Sheogorath, Daedric Prince of Madness: “Those Pro-Lifers Are Out of Their Damned Minds”

NEW SHEOTH, THE SHIVERING ISLES – Sheogorath, the Daedric Prince of Madness, invited news reporters from MSNBC, CNN, CBS, ABC, Comedy Central, TBS, HBO, The Onion, and The Spoof to attend a press conference in New Sheoth, Sheogorath's home in the Shivering Isles. According to Tamriel lore, Sheogorath has spent countless millennia interfering with the lives of mortals, with acts ranging from mak...

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President Trump Vows to Protect Sexual Predators from “Evil, Unfair” Sexual Assault Victims

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Trump took to the airwaves today to address an issue near and dear to the dark void where a heart is supposed to be. He admitted to coming to the aid of Judge Brett Kavanaugh during his tumultuous confirmation hearing.

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Cristiano Ronaldo Rape Case Is Payback For Wayne Rooney World Cup Sending-off

Funny story: Cristiano Ronaldo Rape Case Is Payback For Wayne Rooney World Cup Sending-off

Cristiano Ronaldo, the Portuguese footballer currently playing in Italy for Juventus, is in trouble over an 'association' he had with a woman in the US in 2009. But do you remember him helping to get Wayne Rooney sent off in that England v. Portug...

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Coffee Objects to Perpetually Being Grabbed

Funny story: Coffee Objects to Perpetually Being Grabbed

No longer willing to passively tolerate a modern-day society in which “grabbing” it is the accepted norm, coffee has finally spoken out. “I’m steamed!” said coffee spokesman Joe Cuppa, his indignation clearly at a boiling point. “I am not meant to...

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Woman Flicked Her Friend's Bean In Full View Of Boss

Funny story: Woman Flicked Her Friend's Bean In Full View Of Boss

An office worker at a major financial company in New York, landed herself in hot water this afternoon, after an unsavory incident in the firm's canteen. Marsha Wibblestein, 22, was having lunch with co-workers, Gretchen Hilder, Tammy Papp and Bren...

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Chimpanzee Star Of 1996 Film “Ed” Accused Of Sexual Harassment

Funny story: Chimpanzee Star Of 1996 Film “Ed” Accused Of Sexual Harassment

A female crew member and a male actor from the 1996 smash hit film “Ed” have come forward to accuse the film’s primate star of sexual harassment. The events, first reported by TMZ and the Huffington Post, allegedly occurred during the film’s produ...

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Leaked transcript from secret meeting between Donald Trump & Roy Moore

Funny story: Leaked transcript from secret meeting between Donald Trump & Roy Moore

Donald Trump: "You're going to do amazing things for the great state of Alabama, Roy. Now get out there and grab em by the pussy!" Roy Moore: "Oh I get it now! You meant it as an expression! Like 'go get em' or 'break a leg.' This damn Fake News i...

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Hey girls, here's 20 things to tell Harvey Weinstein to get out of his clutches -

Funny story: Hey girls, here's 20 things to tell Harvey Weinstein to get out of his clutches -

1) Harvey, my boyfriend is a bodyguard for Vladimir Putin. On weekends, he bounces at biker bars. 2) Harvey, my boyfriend only plays chess with serial killers. The loser always gets hacked to pieces with a machete'. 3) Harvey, I have a headache...

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NASA forced to reconsider colonizing new planet after aliens report violent attacks

Funny story: NASA forced to reconsider colonizing new planet after aliens report violent attacks

After restarting the NASA program that lay dormant under the Obama Administration, NASA had finally discovered a planet that was fit for human habitation. They needed volunteers to inhabit the discovered planet. As a condition for funding the project...

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US Senate To Investigate Recent Rash Of Feminist Crotch Grabbing Incidents

Funny story: US Senate To Investigate Recent Rash Of Feminist Crotch Grabbing Incidents

After a topless feminist protester grabbed President Trump by the crotch while he was visiting a wax museum in Madrid, Spain, a wave of copycat attacks have plagued men who are caught alone in elevators, offices and public places. As the attacks...

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Central Park Five Take Out Ad Supporting Death Penalty For Donald Trump

Funny story: Central Park Five Take Out Ad Supporting Death Penalty For Donald Trump

In a surprising twist the men who were coerced as teens into making a false confession of rape are now openly calling for the death penalty to punish Donald Trump. The Central Park Five have even taken out an ad in the Daily News, the same newspaper...

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Cosby And Trump Start Support Group For Wrongfully Accused Billionaires

Funny story: Cosby And Trump Start Support Group For Wrongfully Accused Billionaires

Donald Trump, the man who heaped blistering criticism on Bill Cosby for drugging and raping women without a prenup, is now joining forces with the embattled comedian. B.L.A.M., or Billionaire's Lives Also Matter, is the new support and counseling...

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Melania Trump Calls Donald A "Boy"

Funny story: Melania Trump Calls Donald A "Boy"

Melania Trump defended her husband to CNN's Anderson Cooper against sexual assault charges saying, "It's just boy talk." "When I'm at home I feel like I have two boys there, Junior and Barron, age 10." Ms. Trump continued, "Actually, sometimes...

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Sales Of Tic Tacs Sour On Trump

Funny story: Sales Of Tic Tacs Sour On Trump

After tapes surfaced where Donald Trump talked about using Tic Tacs before sexually assaulting women, sales of the breath mints have plummeted worldwide. Manny Charenselov, who runs a small newsstand in a downtown Denver office high rise, has noti...

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NFL Players Must Wear Ankle Bracelets

Funny story: NFL Players Must Wear Ankle Bracelets

When you're paid to hit people on the job you might take that home with you, or in your car, at a bar, in a nightclub, or in a parking lot dispute. NFL players are spoiled, they feel entitled. They believe they're outside the rules and that even i...

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