University Professor Relieved It Was Original Notre Dame that Burned

Written by Chrissy Benson

Friday, 19 April 2019

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Fortunately for some, an American university with a kickass football team was spared the flames that ravaged a Paris church.

When not-yet-tenured business law professor Carson Hale first heard that the historic Notre Dame had suffered severe damage due to a catastrophic fire, his first gulity concern was what the horrific "act of God" might mean for his professional prospects - followed by a hearty wave of relief when he realized that it wasn't his own University of Notre Dame that had burned, but the historic Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris.

"I'm not saying I was happy," said Hale. "But everything has its silver lining. Yes, of course it's terrible that this fine example of Gothic architecture was harmed, possibly irreparably. But the silver lining is, I still have a place to work."

He added, "I'm not a douchebag, seriously."

Hale noted, too, that many of the structures on the university campus are listed on the National Register of Historic Places. "Just because we're not in Paris doesn't mean we're not historically significant," he pointed out.

More than anything, though, said Hale, he's simply grateful that God, in allowing flames to ravage Notre Dame Cathedral, looked more favorably upon the traditional American Catholic university with a kickass football team - not to mention a similarly unbeatable business law faculty - than He did on some antiquated, outdated French church.

"Oops, did I say that?" said Hale, grinning as sheepishly as a Lamb of God. "Okay, guess I am a douchebag. What can I say?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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