Trump Says Rape Allegations Are Not Fake News

Written by Monkey Woods

Tuesday, 25 June 2019

image for Trump Says Rape Allegations Are Not Fake News
Er...I mean, "she moved on me"...

President Donald Trump has come out fighting in his latest controversy, and says that the rape allegations in the E. Jean Carroll case are "not fake news", and are "absolutely true".

Mr Trump met Ms Carroll in the Bergdorf Goodman department store in 1995 or 1996. He says she was looking for a pair of boxer shorts for a male friend, and, having decided upon a nice pair made from red silk, asked Mr. Trump if he would try them on.

He agreed, and they went to the changing room together.

What followed may be described as 'traumatic', but, in the interests of fair and accurate journalism, we will still print it.

Trump alleges that once he was wearing the shorts, Ms Carroll made a lunge for his crotch area, with a grasping hand, as if she wished to fondle his testicles. He, of course, tried to talk sense into her. According to Trump, she made several more desperate attempts to cradle his balls, and then got on her knees and opened her mouth wide.

She then belched loudly.

Trump said that, because of the length of time between then and now, he could not be exact about other details, but his shifty-looking manner at this point suggested some muddling of events in his mind.

Business as usual.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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