Ex England boss and full-time chippy connoisseur, Sam Allardyce, has sensationally revealed today that he has turned down an approach from Newcastle United to return as manager. In a phone interview with owner, Mike Ashley, Big Sam reportedly said:
"Come back? There? To work with you? Fuck off, Ashley, you fat fucking cunt!"
Long-suffering Newcastle fans have had to watch in mute horror over the past three months as their best manager for 15 years was slowly pushed out of the exit door. “Rafa” has now accepted a huge contract to go ad have a holiday in China, meaning that a lot of Newcastle’s current better players are also eyeing up the exit door. The thinking behind Allardyce's re-appointment would have been that he could block it with his considerable frame.
Kyle Freedman, who is such a fan he timed his birth to coincide with Alan Shearer scoring his 200th Newcastle goal, said:
"I don’t blame Sam for not taking the job on again. Working for Ashley must be a fucking nightmare. I’m not saying he’s the worst owner in Premier League history, but he’s the one who works the hardest at being the worst."
Since Mike Ashley took the club over, it’s suffered two relegations, multiple embarrassing results and had John Carver and Steve McClaren managing them in the space of 12 months. As a man, Ashley’s commitment to bastardry is second to none, and he looks set to carry on his behaviour into the coming seasons.
Big Sam, who’s been out of work since a stint at Everton, said:
"If you get someone in at Newcastle who actually gives a shit about the club, then it’ll go far. Ashley runs it like he runs every other aspect of his business empire. Like a cunt."