Written by Paxton Quigley

Wednesday, 7 November 2018

image for Football Gossip: Willian, Rangers, Jordan Nobbs, Liverpool, Mourinho Shock
Jordan Nobbs, not Knobs

Barcelona have reopened transfer talks with representatives of Chelsea and Brazil winger Willian. Previous talks had collapsed over the player's desire to be known as "Will-I-An" on his shirt.

After scoring Rangers' second goal at St Mirren on Saturday, Alfredo Morelos was struck by a coin thrown from the crowd. The culprit was easily caught however when visiting the Rangers dressing room to ask for his money back.

A Manchester United spokesman has expressed surprise that manager Jose Mourinho has failed to have a tantrum, abuse, insult or upset anybody this week. In an off-record comment he said "we think there's something wrong with the Portuguese attention-seeking moaner".

A dream came true last Sunday for Fernando Ovelar when, at only 14 years of age, he scored his first professional goal in the biggest club fixture in Paraguay. Ovelar is two months short of his 15th birthday and scored the opening goal for Cerro Porteno in their Superclasico against arch-rivals Olimpia. Life is hard for the wonderkid though as on Monday morning he was given detention for failing to hand in his geography homework on time, which means he will miss the team's next match.

After Red Star Belgrade's shock Champions League group-stage victory over Liverpool, manager Juergen Klopp said that despite searching the hotel, the team bus and airport lost property, the Liverpool team had failed to "find their mojo."

Tottenham manager Mauricio Pochettino claims he has told Real Madrid he will not be leaving his current job, despite being offered £15m a year to take over at the Spanish club. Meanwhile Tottenham's telephone switchboard staff have reported receiving calls from Spanish estate agents asking for Mr Pochettino.

Arsenal Women's striker, blonde bombshell Jordan Nobbs is to change her name by deed poll. She explained "It's bloody annoying that every time I say my name is Jordan Nobbs jokers always answer I am sure she does".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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