Written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 12 October 2018

image for Football Gossip: Scotland, Mourinho, England, Usain Bolt
Scotland captain's tackle was measured by McLeish

Scotland head coach Alex McLeish urged his young players to show him they've "got a pair" against Israel on Thursday. After their shambolic defeat he apparently lined them all up in the dressing room and used calipers to measure their tackle before showing them his own, telling the embarrassed players "you go in hard, like this".

Football fans around the country have rallied in support of under fire coach Jose Mourinho, demanding that the Manchester United board stick by him however badly his misfiring team performs. The ailing club's fans throughout the world, including the few in Manchester, are outraged at the show of support from supporters of Manchester City, Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal.

England manager Gareth Southgate says he has no problem with his players swearing during their Nations League match with Croatia as long as they put £1 per profanity in a swear box which he will bring to the match. The proceeds are expected to pay for the team's Christmas party.

Apparently (Kan)Ye West has not given up on his application to become Aston Villa coach. He has been photographed wearing a MAVGA claret and blue baseball cap. He told mystified US "President" Donald Trump that wearing his MAVGA hat makes him feel "like a superman".

Usain Bolt scored his first goals for a "professional" football team, getting two on his maiden start for Australian club Central Coast Mariners in a friendly 4-0 win over Macarthur South West. Macarthur skipper Bruce Swagman was full of praise for the ex-Olympian "He's like greased lightning. I couldn't get anywhere near him to kick the fucker".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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