Written by Paxton Quigley

Friday, 5 October 2018

image for Football Gossip: Mourinho, Villa, Kanye West
Keown: "I'l get my pants off if Tottenham wins anything"

Following news that Manchester United faces UEFA charges over their late arrival for the Valencia home Champions League game, coach Jose Mourinho has been forced to deny that his team refused to leave the dressing room until he promised to say nice things about them in his post-match interview.

Police investigating the throwing of a cabbage at former Aston Villa manager Steve Bruce during the match against Preston, have closed their investigation after an admission by club owner Dr Tony Xia that he was responsible.

Newcastle United fans protested outside a restaurant where owner Mike Ashley and manager Rafael Benitez met for talks. Ashley's representatives have strongly denied any suggestion he swore at fans claiming that "any profanities uttered by Mr. Ashley were directed at Mr. Benitez".

An Aston Villa spokesman has denied rumours that American rap star (Kan)Ye West has made an offer to buy the club but has confirmed that he has thrown his hat into the ring for the vacant manager's job and offered his wife, Kim, as team mascot.

Tottenham Hotspur fans' expectations have been ridiculed by ex-Arsenal MOTD pundit Martin Keown who has told Gabby Logan that if Tottenham wins a trophy this season he will appear naked on MOTD.

Rumours are persisting that a consortium is being assembled to buy Newcastle United from want-away owner Mike Ashley. The consortium is headed by Peter Ridsdale who was chairman of Leeds United from 1997-2003 during their debt-laden rise to prominence. Ridsdale promises Magpies fans he will end the years of financial mismanagement of the club.

A major new study has found that 84% of sports fans - more than half of whom are men(!) - are interested in women's sport. As for recognisable female team athletes, Manchester City and England captain Steph Houghton comes out on top. FA Equality & Diversity Consultant, Richard Keys says "It makes sense. What red-blooded male doesn't want to see 22 women in boots and stockings getting smothered in mud?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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