Football Gossip: Mourinho Manhunt Continues, Sir Philip Green, Chelsea, Xavi, Guardiola

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 25 October 2018


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"But Mr. Guardiola, we've only just met..."

Jose Mourinho has been warned by Manchester United's owners that his outbursts are damaging the club's worldwide reputation. They want to return to the calm, reasonable, expletive-free days of Sir Alex Ferguson.

Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich who now travels on an Israeli passport since experiencing problems renewing his UK visa, is the subject of a government Unexplained Wealth Order under which he has to disclose the sources of his billions. Apparently, he is searching desperately for a buyer for his ailing club before it is confiscated. Saudi crown prince Mohammed bin Salman is rumoured to be interested and is confident of passing the FA's fit and proper person test.

Former Barcelona midfielder Xavi says he will never coach a team to play in the same way as those managed by Jose Mourinho. When asked to comment, Maureen responded "Who is he?"

England has moved up to fifth in Fifa's latest world rankings, the highest position for five years. Coach Gareth Southgate claims that this summer's victories over footballing giants Tunisia, Panama and Costa Rica have proved that his team is "going places, well, further than Wembley anyway".

On BBC Radio 5 Live Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola has named the songs that have helped inspire him at the key moments of his life and career. Among the list are Father Abraham and The Smurfs Song, Benny Hill's "Ernie (The Fastest Milkman in the West)" and his particular favourite, Frankie Goes to Hollywood's hymn to oral sex "Relax", which he likes to play after every match win.

Doncaster Rovers Belles FC is celebrating its 50 year anniversary, but results are not going their way having lost their first eight WNL Northern Premier League matches, including a 9-0 drubbing by Blackburn Rovers Women. Team captain Sharon Whippet-Strangler told The Spoof "we were suffering anxiety attacks when we were told that Sir Philip Green wanted to buy the club, but now that he's probably getting divorced, he's got other things on his mind."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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