Football Gossip: Hoddle, Mourinho again, Women's World Cup, Forest Green Vegans

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Thursday, 1 November 2018

image for Football Gossip: Hoddle, Mourinho again, Women's World Cup, Forest Green Vegans
Fifa promises to give female players chocolates and flowers

Former England and Tottenham manager Glenn Hoddle has been "overwhelmed" by the support shown for him since falling ill on Saturday. His family denies that Hoddle's heart attack has anything to do with god and Hoddle's views on the disabled that "Some people have been born like that for a reason. The karma is working from another lifetime...What you sow, you have to reap."

Jose Mourinho is angrily fuming again after Manchester United's executive vice-chairman Ed Woodward cancelled a transfer summit last week at the last minute, telling Maureen "you've already wasted enough of our money, you arsehole".

In 2017 Forest Green Rovers was officially recognised as the first vegan football club in a bid to improve player performances and give fans a healthier experience. Unfortunately on World Vegan Day the club has announced the suspension of six first team players who were spotted in the town's branch of Burger King hungrily feasting on Whoppers.

Lyon's Netherlands and former Manchester United winger Memphis Depay, 24, says he does not feel he is respected as a player. Sympathetic team mates have clubbed together to buy him a new comfort blanket and dummy.

Fifa has announced it will double the prize money for the 2019 Women's World Cup with the tournament winners banking $4m (£3.1m), twice the amount the 2015 winners, the United States, received. World players' union Fifpro said the increase was insufficient considering that the 2018 men's World Cup winners France won $38m (£29.7m). Fifa President Gianni Infantino reportedly responded "Fifpro is being unreasonable, as we're giving each of the winning players a box of chocolates and a bouquet of flowers, too."

Hibernian manager Neil Lennon wants to meet face-to-face with the fan who struck him with a coin in the Edinburgh derby so that that they can talk it over before Lennon "gives him a good beating".

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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