Football Gossip: Mourinho Manhunt latest, Blatter, Tottenham and Messi

Funny story written by Paxton Quigley

Wednesday, 17 October 2018

image for Football Gossip: Mourinho Manhunt latest, Blatter, Tottenham and Messi
Sepp Blatter has "been occupying himself"

Under fire Manchester United manager Jose Mourinho made his feelings clear when told that he has been charged over comments he made in Portuguese to a TV camera after his side's win over Newcastle on 6 October. After consulting a lip reader, the FA said the remarks were interpreted as offensive. The ever exasperated Maureen's response was less than diplomatic: "Those fuckers. They get a fucking lip reader onto me? What do they want? To kill me? I would never swear in Portuguese, only in fucking English so as not to upset my mother".

Tottenham Hotspur chairman Daniel Levy has announced his interest in signing Barcelona forward Lionel Messi after the Spanish club said Messi could be allowed to leave for free in 2020, on condition the Argentine does not join another "elite" club.

Manchester United has denied that progress on contract extensions for England fullback Luke Shaw, France forward Anthony Martial and Spain goalkeeper David de Gea are being held up by the players' condition that errant manager Jose Mourinho is replaced by someone they don't hate.

Like waiting for a bus, you wait forever and then two come along at once. Having broken their duck in Armenia on Saturday, Gibraltar claimed a second competitive win by coming from behind to beat Liechtenstein in the Nations League. Gibraltarians' celebrations were dampened however when news broke that the Liechtenstein government was angered by the humiliation and has declared war between the micro-states.

FIFA President Gianni Infantino has given disgraced former FIFA head Sepp Blatter the chance to rehabilitate himself with a place on FIFA's ethics committee. Infantino explained "nobody else has such knowledge of how so many thieving bastards have milked FIFA for so long and his experience in this field will prove invaluable. As a quid pro quo for this appointment, I don't expect Sepp to re-open the investigation into my activities". Since his enforced retirement from FIFA, Mr Blatter is said to have been occupying himself with his presidency of the World Society of Friends of Suspenders.

Equality pioneering Lewes FC claims to be the only club side in the world paying their men's and women's teams the same while sharing club facilities and having joint training sessions. Lewes introduced equal playing budgets in July 2017 and both sides have since achieved success - the men were promoted to the Isthmian League Premier Division, while the women became part of the newly -ormed Women's Championship. A club spokesperson told The Spoof that all the players love it, and that the men were quite willing to take a pay cut on condition they share the team bath and dressing room with the women.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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