Written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 9 October 2018

image for "Manhunt Victim" Mourinho to Adopt "Tactics By Consensus"
Alexis Sanchez "has had enough of this shit"

Manchester United manager, Jose Mourinho, insists he can "cope with the manhunt" against him as he was forced to admit that Saturday's match against Newcastle was a fiasco, with his team 2-0 down after 10 minutes.

Denying rumours that he had consulted want-away midfield star, Paul Pogba, on second-half tactics, in order to win the match, an unusually shame-faced Maureen then went on to say that, from now on, he will adopt "tactics by consensus". The Spoof asked him what he meant by this, and he gave us his scowling response.

"Everybody thinks they know best. Paul Scholes, Paul Ince, Alan Shearer, Gary Lineker, the fans, but only I am a Special One. Attack! Attack! Attack! What's all that bollocks? But I am not a bully, just ask Luke Shaw, Juan Mata and Dr. Eva Carniero, so I have decided to let the first team squad advise me on how they want to play.

"It's easy. I am surrounded by so-called fucking experts, so now they can decide how we play. Pogba, for instance. He doesn't want to defend, he just wants to attack. I have news for him: everybody wants to play up front. Martial, Lukaku, Sanchez, Rashford, Ashley Young...all of them even David de Gea. Mother of God. Well, let them do it, as I don't seem to have any fucking decent centre-backs despite spending multi-millions on them. It's all the board's fault for letting me persuade them to buy two wankers in defence.

"So next week, thanks to the team, we're playing 2-1-7 so everybody has a shot on goal, apart from Luke Shaw who will be working his guts out to spare our blushes."

STOP PRESS: Alexis Sanchez's agent announces that his client "has had enough of this shit".

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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