Local Man Dies After 50 Years of Hemorrhoids
"I like to think of him up there sitting on a nice big soft fluffy cloud", says widow.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Weather Channel Frightening Kids
Stay inside kids are getting nervous about the info on The weather Channel! One frightened teen asked friend, "What if we're at the mall and an earthquake hits or a volcano?"
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Leaked Intel Report: North Korea Capable of Launching Nuclear Missile
They are just not sure exactly where one would come down. "We blow ourselves up like Wiley Coyote", laughs Leader Kim Jong Un. Insists that all have 'Acme' on them!
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Obama's Budget Proposes Cuts to Social Security, Medicare
His daughter's allowance, Bo the dog's treats but no cuts in yet golf gear.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
According to Snoops: #98
According to Snoops, most old wives tales are nothing but urban legends. Old men tales not discussed or appropriate for children to read.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Seas Rising?
Al Gore says seas are rising while Rush Limbaugh reports that they are not. Then Limbaugh shows Gore where it rises one place it goes down others, clearly drawing a line in the sand.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Boston, 2014
More police in the crowds expected for the running of next year's Boston Marathon. One cop says he's going to win!
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Bulimic Leaves Mess In Food Store!
Young lady carried out by ambulance in Kansas seems to be in pretty good shape at last report. Apparently she ate and vomited all night after getting accidentally locked in without her cellphone.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Somebody Invented a Car that Runs on Coffee
Well, at least they're trying. Car can run on coffee only costs about $10 a gallon. More if it's Starbucks. But at least he's trying. What is the government doing?
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
NSA abuses contradict Obama and congressional claims of oversight
After all this time they still haven't got their stories straight.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Chef Hugh Acheson's roasted horse tenderloin
Two-time James Beard Award winner shares his recipe for his ultimate dish on "CBS This Morning: Saturday" "This is good, even if you have to use old leather shoes."
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Hen Learns To Crow!
Disappoints the rest of the hens because that's all she can do!
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
9Th Grade Student Admits Dissecting Frog Grosses Her Out!
"Can't we just lay them out in the parking lot and let the school buses run over them?"
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
New widower enjoys his joke!
Leaves recording of wife "Is the garbage out? You mowed the lawn? Mama will be over this weekend so no drinking or whoopee. Better take your pill tonight. You hate Mama don't you?" by tombstone.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Mafia Teaches Member Lesson!
Police chase victim going 120MPH on Segway being pulled by rope from Jaguar.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Sunni leader says Hezbollah leading Lebanon into 'Syrian fire'
Lebanon says Hezbollah trying to get them into Egyptian, PLO, Israeli, Iraq, Afghanistan, Iran, Turkey mess!
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Christie Will Ease Kids' Access to Pot With Doctor Notes
Teens practicing poor penmanship to be ready for approval.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
WWE wrestler comes out as gay #2
Percival The Pansy has admitted that, YES, he is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
WWE wrestler comes out as gay
Retired wrestler "Dick The Bruiser" comes out of the closet.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Clown: A real clown wouldn't mock Obama
Most of us real clowns stick together and wouldn't do anything like that.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
40 pythons seized from motel room
"Oh it was the usual "2 rent the room and the other 38 slip in without paying", says motel clerk.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Abercrombie & Fitch Unveil New Swimwear
Look/Don't Look for the new "See Through thong" coming to your beach soon! In tryout 11 husbands were slapped & fourteen people got sick at 275 pound lady. Plus some laughter lasted over 5 minutes.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Another Carnival Cruise Ship Having Trouble
But this time they are prepared with Mardi Gras Parade of beads and boobs, port-o-potties hanging over side of ships, all planned in advance for breakdowns.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
New TV Poll Reveals Something Odd
Average age of MSNBC News watchers and Cartoon Network almost the exact same. Also reveals the same about ABC News and Entertainment Network.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
The Western Diet Condemned
Study shows that people eating processed food most of their lives will spend first two years and last 10-15 years on baby food.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
NASA Says Planets 1200 Light-Years Away Could Support Life
Sign of lower teaching requirements: Lots of letters from teens asking if "Light Years means when times aren't so tough?"
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Men Who Robbed Bank While Wearing Obama Masks, Arrested
Before being tried, get free six-months of sensitivity training. Expect more crimes to be committed while wearing Obama masks in the future. Sales going through the roof.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Welfare People Changing Their Own Names
"The food dispenses are sending out so many canned beans and sweet potatoes we've changed our names around here as people on "Welfart".
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Tennessee Family Sues Market
The Gilberts of Maryville, Tennessee are suing their local Market City Outlet after finding horseshoe in family-sized package of "beef".
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Horse Meat Being Faked
Even the horse meat sold in markets in some areas is proven to be various roadkill mixed with horse meat.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Still Some Horse Meat Being Found in Europe, Elsewhere
Mostly in the freezers of families in midst of failed economies around the world.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
President still avoiding press conferences
"It's hard to explain being in the middle of a quagmire when we are backed up in quagmires", states Obama. "We got enough to straighten out here before helping a dozen other countries tearing apart."
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Tourism Down?
Government says more students afraid to come here because of everyone having weapons. Limbaugh: Maybe they should go to the Middle East & they would feel safer.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
New York Times Takes Back Reports
But headlines "Bigfoot Photo In NYC Alley", "UFO Landed in Central Park" and "Area 51 Was Real & Full of Dead Aliens" helped sell a lot of papers.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Greece Cuts Still More Jobs
"The more we cut, the more Bailout Funds we get", explains politician. "Then, once the money is here, we rehire them but "part-time". Have no idea how long they'll keep this up."
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Chicago Cubs and White Sox Trade Teams
"The way we look at it, it can't hurt, right?", says fan of both.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
"The Plain Brown Rapper" arrested in Cleveland
Apparently he bored three people to death during his latest so-so performance. "He makes sex sound like a toothache" says one person awakened from stupor just in time.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Report: Tulsa, Oklahoma, has the lowest rent in the country.
Apparently they will pay YOU $25 a month to come to Tulsa and live.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Trailing a month ago, Bill de Blasio is now the candidate to beat in NYC's mayoral race
Typical response by New Yorkers: "Bill Who? de Blasio? You're making that up right? OK! Where's the hidden camera?"
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Ohio Man Orders Empty Gun Safe, Finds 300 Pounds of Pot Inside
"I feel like someone has taken a pot shot at me", he jokingly tells police.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
3-day marijuana festival, rally at Seattle park.
"Egypt, Iraq, Iran...we're too stoned to care. Look at our greedy leaders. We've dropped out!", says man in crowd.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Egyptian PM proposes legally dissolving Muslim Brotherhood.
Laughs hysterically when "Muslim Sisterhood": mentioned! "They have their place, which all different Muslims agree."
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Correct word fourth on spellcheck list
STOUGHTON, MA--David Thacker didn't realize how badly he had misspelled 'Vicariously' until he saw the correct version a distant fourth option on the spellcheck suggestion list.
written by rvler9201, 17 August 2013
Lohan and the Prince
The royal baby, Prince George of Cambridge, has been implicated in a new scandal involving Lindsay Lohan. The Hollywood starlet reportedly accepted an invite from the Prince to perform a lap dance.
written by whatinthe world, 17 August 2013
Golf's Controversial Ban on Belly Putter Begins in 2016!
After John Daly nearly guts himself on par 5 hole last week.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Study: Your Fart Reflects Your Personality
Having assertive roaring fudgablaster more convincing than a firm handshake!
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
Applications Being Accepted For One-Way Trip to Mars
But most Americans want the one-way trip reserved for Congress!
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
New Fears of Civil War in Iraq
Also in Syria...Egypt...Libya...the United States!
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
New Poll: Obama's Approval Ratings Same as G.W. Bush's
and just below that of Millard Fillmore on all president's list.
written by Bureau, 17 August 2013
N.J. Governor Chris Christie May Allow Medicinal Pot for Kids -
The rest of the USA hopes Christie stays off the stuff - he's a guy who doesn't need 'the munchies'.
written by Samuel Vargo, 17 August 2013
