First documented video evidence of apes swimming is released
Could very well be this weekends top movie, say critics.
Tomorrow on "The View":
Over twenty naked congressmen and one naked congress woman! It should be interesting so tune in.
Martha Stewart Nearly Arrested Again
CIA say that she had the cheese right there in her hand but suddenly shredded it before they could stop her.
Al Gore Missing, Presumed On Fire
Several witnesses say they were very close to once VP Gore when someone told him global warming was a crock. Gore reportedly became so mad he spontaneously Combusted.
Skinny, Bespeckled Nerd Wins Student of the Year
Ten Atomic wedgies and five depantsings!
New Stats Out!
According to a new report, only one out of twenty with wide rear ends are actually a 'mule" smuggling drugs out of country.
Missing Remote Found in Plastic Ban Behind Commode!
"I wonder why there was a slab of marijuana near the television set, says visiting neighbor.
Children Battling Fortune Left By Dad!
Bunnen Halter, wealthy inventor of the Air Guitar worth and millions, dead at the age of 62. Family scramble over fortune.
Foreign Visitors Frightened Over Talking House!
White House says U.S. has not cut off aid to Egypt. "We don't think so, anyway."
Turkey PM Blasts Mursi Captors
Turkey's Prime Minister Erdogan angers U.S., Israel, Egypt with Mursi extreme defense. "I sorta kinda liked him sometimes."
Most Popular Allegiance Airlines
These are all non-stop, low-cost airplanes, you can bring your own snacks. Also, while in line to board, they just ask you to turn around & frisk the person behind you & step through metal detector.
Who Says CPA's Don't Have a Sense of humor"
"Did you hear the one about the auditor and the actuary?"
Why 'The Butler' is groundbreaking
Because it should be buried say several who have seen it. "I knew it was a political movie so I sat through it to see what they're trying to push over on us next."
Gov.: I never said Obama 'hates' whites
"I just stated that he wouldn't give us air if we were in a jug."
Cops: Man shot by teens -- just because
Teens decided 'to kill somebody'. Of course this has nothing to do with violent games, movies and TV. So it must be that we're not pouring enough money in programs or maybe caused by George Bush!
Bald Bank Manager Suddenly Sporting Mullet
"Hope he doesn't get close to the ceiling fan because i know one of the assistant managers is back there getting ready to turn it on at the right time. Men are nuts."
OSHA Could Cancel Christmas
"There's an outbreak of reindeer flu that Santa could spread all over the world. It's much worse than when the elves began coming down with tinsel lung. This could spread but we'll do our best."
Update: Maine Gov. Declares: 'Obama Hates White People'
"You ever see him at any NASCAR event, playing ice hockey? No!!
Police Stop Another One
"Someone is placing 'I'm Headed For My 19 Virgins Right Now!' bumper stickers on parked cars", says police captain. "We can't afford to let them go."
Special Closed Session of UN Called
Right after Frenchman appointed Secretary General. "Thank you my fellow Ambassadors. Where you going? Is someone after us?"
Celine Dion Agrees Never to Hit High Note Again
Over twenty women and two men in the audience have breast implants explode.
Local Proctoligist Being Sued By Patient
After leaving rubber glove up obese woman's Patoot! Doctor counters that he nearly broke his arm.
Joe Biden Misspeaks again
"The President is started seeing Bozo the Clones everywhere!"
Close Election in 2016 Say Experts
Can the Democrats get enough names off tombstones to overcome Republicans cloning nerds?
Geraldo Rivera Seen Walking Street
Interviewing invisible people. Meets mime in invisible cube and runs away screaming "They're Here!!!"
Wills: "George is a little rascal", just like his Dad Harry then?
written by Herrdoktorfox, 20 August 2013
Experts Are in Agreement Over Dirty Bomb
Not only would it make life difficult for average American, it could cause tens of thousands of Obsessive/Compulsives to go wild as a March Hare!
Psychiatrist Delivers Good News
"It says here that your days of being unappreciated, called a failure, losing jobs are just about over. Or will be in 3-6 months."
Good-Sized Party Over Hated Office-Gossip Retirement!
"Oh she was good. A new person would come in a little unsure of herself and Gladys would come up to her like her best friend, "Oh, you're new here. Are you OK? Let's just sit down & have a chat."
Lady On Sedgeway In Pretty Bad Shape
"I was going to the market and this skunk came out in front of me all of a sudden and suddenly I lost my sense of smell and was riding a car hood...and the skunk was in my lap..I don't wanna live!!!"
Whatever Happened to Human Cloning?
All you hear about are drone planes, hybrid and electric cars. But what are we doing about the underpopulated earth?
Jason Alexander to Star in Reality Show
"I'm A Marine Biologist" starts this coming January on the Has-Been Cable Channel.
President Obama Speaks Up For Daughters
Both my girls are scared to death of clowns ever since that rodeo thing. Michelle got a pie in the face Saturday. The guy escaped in the crowd of at least 100 clowns all dressed alike.
Surprise Witness at Baseball Hearings
"Yes, he told me he was taking steroids but since his balls were the size of marbles, I had guessed it already."
Tenth Grader With Elephantassitis Target of Classmates
"Hey Elephant Ass! Come on over here and pull up some chairs and eat with us today!"
Microsoft to roll out SurPhobletoaster with 17.3 inch screen
REDMOND, WA - Microsoft announced the release of their new 17.3 inch SurPhobletoaster, due to arrive in stores on Oct. 31.
"The House of Horse Meat", initial restaurant is mall favorite place to eat for all cool teens in Lincoln, Nebraska.
Upset Winner of Miss Universe Contest
It's Brofk Ghromerdead, from the Klingon third moon, Flarf!
Obamas' Dog Poops on Floor in Oval Office
***BREAKING NEWS*** The Obama's new dog, Sunny, issued his own "release" today, taking a giant dump on the floor of the Oval Office.
'Global terrorist' Boko Haram head may be dead: Nigeria
"It ain't moved in three days", stated official. "We think the rest of him is around here somewhere."
Turkey's Erdogan sees Israel's hand in Egyptian overthrow
Also sees other hand in many puppet governments around the world.
Obama lauds Mali for 'credible' elections a year after coup
"Laudy, Laudy, but that's some good news for a change!"
Justin Bieber Angry
After being offered a 'small part' in a Triple X Adult film!
Mitch McConnell's Brother Gone
Senator Mitch McConnell's brother, The Pillsbury Doughboy has passed away when someone poked him to death. Witness says he died while laughing hysterically!
Newly purchased car driven by Lindsay Lohan last seen headed directly towards Brooklyn!
As Zimbabwe heads to polls, worries about votes from the cemetery
Pollster says they often vote twice, once for each side.
52 Year-Old Woman Looks 51!
"I give all the credit to 'Stay Put Soap'", she tells Infomercial audience.
In relentless campaign, Egypt arrests Muslim Brotherhood leader
If he's silly enough to stay in Egypt during all this uproar he deserves to be arrested.
UFO sightings at Area 51: Government flying saucer test?
"Not so", say skeptics. "If we had saucer-shaped flying machines, we could have scared our enemies to death! They have gone from 'No Area 51' to 'we made those ourselves!"
Iranian school kids will now learn 'drone-hunting' skills
"They'll be entirely different by the time they graduate", says U.S. Military officer.
Lindsay Lohan in Trouble Again!
Apparently she tackled the Naked Cowboy and stole his guitar!
Former Student Sues Nun
"She made me stand in the corner in front of the class for two whole minutes. I'm dramatized!"
Swedish women don headscarves after assault on Muslim
"Don't want to give ourselves away", says one in bikini.
State of Confusion: Egypt Aid Halted?
President: "We have sent aid to Egypt! No? We have not yet sent aid to Egypt! Which side? We don't know? There you have it. Last question folks. Gotta golf...go!"
Drill Sergeants Hate New M/F Trainees March
"Ain't no use in going home!" (Ain't no use in going home) "Jody's now a girl and gone!" (Jody's now a girl and gone!)
Spock Makes It Into Baseball's Hall of Fame!
Most people don't realize that Leonard Nimoy could throw one of the best split-fingered fastballs ever! "Live long and strike out!"
Weiner Can't Keep It Up
After all the jokes and all the publicity about his mailings, Anthony Weiner may drop out today.
More Weiner Allegations!
Top newspapers say more and more ladies coming forward daily. "This is just the tip of the Weiner", says Chicago Tribune.
Guardian says UK forced it to destroy Snowden material
Either that or eat it piece by piece!
David Brock accuses NYTimes of anti-Clinton bias.
"Yes", stated President Obama. "What's going on with those Clintons? (whew!)
Barry Bonds Grows Second Head #2
"But it's not from steroids. "But it's not steroids. I just said that. I just said that. I hate it when he starts doing that! I hate it when he starts doing that."
Samsung to launch platinum smart phone
Samsung's next smartphone, will contain 23 ounces of pure platinum. The phone will be encrusted with 357 diamonds and will weight in at 3.6 pounds.
Bloomberg Presses for Action on Bakery Rules
A day after an appeals court rejected his ban on sugary drinks larger than 16 ounces, Mayor Bloomberg announced that he will seek to outlaw jelly donuts.
Obama Favours Cupboard Reorganisation
WASHINGTON, DC - In an effort to maximise control of gouvernment, feel more European and minimise Amerika, the Obama administration is proposing reorganising his cupboard.
The U.S. Nixes The American Airlines - U.S. Airways Merger
The U.S. government has blocked the proposed merger between American Airlines and U.S. Air. A government spokesperson said they did not care for the new name, We Gotcha Airlines.
The Phone Number Was Missing 4 Digits
A New Hampshire woman was arrested for calling 911 because she needed a pen. She has been charged with misuse of the 911 service. She is now telling police that she meant to call Walmart but misdialed.
Who The Heck Was That Masked Man?
The Hasbroken Toy Company has just reported that nationwide sales of The Lone Ranger Lunch Boxes only numbered 113.
Guess Why The Rent In Tulsa Is So Cheap
A recent report stated that Tulsa, Oklahoma has the lowest rent of any American city, just as long as you don't mind living in a teepee.
Isn't It Time For A New Song?
A close friend of Taylor Swift's has said that the singer is starting to get worried since she has not had a new boyfriend in several weeks.