Local Man Enters 10th Year W/O Watching Any Reality Shows
"In this neighborhood, there's a lot more to watch out the window with these binoculars. Whoops! Gotta go! Police have lights flashing!"
Phone Sex Surprise
Male Callers don't recognize high sexy voice of 420-pound male Sumo wrestler with high voice after accident during fight.
Kansas City Doctor Quits, Becomes Carpenter
"Before, all those ObamaCare drove away patients. Now, as a carpenter, they're coming out of the woodworks."
Distraught Dali Lama guns down seventeen monks for staring at him without talking for 24 hours.
New York Women Say They Are Tired
New York Women Tiring of Antony Weiner's "Weiner's My Name, Weiner's My Game" Pickup Line!
Mitch McConnell, Ky. Senator Rushed to Hospital
Hospital spokes says McConnell needs a facemaker installed as soon as possible.
Replay shows swimmer's package
"We must stop all these stop-action and replays when accidentally displays him/herself", states Antony Weiner. "Disgusting!..wait a minute. Here comes another replay."
Romney: You Noticed No One Asked For My Birth Certificate
Former Presidential candidate has Mormon records of his family back to Adam.
Germany Nixes Surveillance Pact With US, Britain
Warns Poland to watch their step or we might be there on the top one!
Felons, fake patients revealed in rehab clinics
Rehabs collected money from Medicaid for non-existing clients. "See, they're a bigger crook than I am", says Lindsay Lohan.
Restaurant chain says salad linked to virus no longer served
"Patrons disappointed say Red Lobster and Olive Garden, because they can no longer sue."
Kerry: Egypt's 'Military Did Not Take Over'.
Then where is their leader and why is there a new man in charge? Oh, he misspoke? They do that a lot.
INTERPOL Issues Warning Over Prison Breaks.
It's about time. About 1500 have escaped during the past two weeks!
New Acetaminophen Warning: Why Now?
FDA says it should have listed side-effect of sudden death to some, especially if pill goes down windpipe.
Conservatives Challenge McConnell!
Conservatives Challenge McConnell to Defund Obamacare: 'If You Fund It, You Own It', "It takes one to know one!", "He who smelt it, dealt it!"
Mystery surrounds dolphin deaths along East Coast
Agent Edgar Allen Porpoise assigned to lead the investigation.
Cities Offer Thrill-Seekers Chance to Run With Bulls
First up, New York City! Next week's Run With Bulls event to occur in front of Wall Street!
Lady Driver Claims Husband Caused Wreck
"My brakes on the driver's side kept it from being worse but all HE could do was stomp the floor like crazy! Stupid air bag. Is my face flat?"
Air Force Now Has Drone Size of Head of a Pin!
Let's just hope some Pin-Head doesn't get a hold of one.
High-Flying Wisconsin Air Show Reeling From Cuts
Now cut down to flying squirrels, short speech by Capt. Chesley B. "Sully" Sullenberger and tethered lawn chair helium balloon flights.
Al Qaeda Threat 'Very Specific'
CIA gives list of over 20 embassies closed! Great! Now they know which ones are the most guarded!
Death in New Mexico Over Who Kept Remote
Nearly one-thousandth report of Remote Control murder in the past year. Now 5th leading cause of death after Heart Disease, Cancer, Infections at Hospitals, Auto Accidents.
North Korean's Speech Noted
North Korea's leader, Kim Jong Un, gives long speech to wildly cheering audience about Wiley Coyote and Roadrunner, has note in hand clearly interpreted "North Good, South Bad!"
Children's Channel Hacked
Lots of calls from parents when SpongeBob No Pants and SpongBob Pointy Pants suddenly appear on the air.
Lindsey Lohan got out of rehab, and she wants to move to New York City.
Pope Francis: Lookout NYC drivers! But "Who am I to judge?"
Surgery at hands of robot?
"We will now remove the scrotum!" "What?" "You can't do that!" "Just humor..har dee har!"
Most appalling reality TV shows
"Who Will Kiss This Horses Ass?", "Who Can Eat The Most Roadkill?", "Who Will French Kiss Rush Limbaugh?", "Fire-Ant Hill Sitting!"
See who shares Obama's birthday
Benedict Arnold, Jane Fonda, Tokyo Rose, Mati Hari and Judas Iscariot!
Illness breakout tied to food chains
And not to bicycle chains as previously reported on MSNBC!
Some US Embassies closed all weekend due to terrorist thrests
Guy leaving Yemen Embassy's "Today is a good day to die" in Worf voice, kicked in the nuggets.
Fugitive Snowden left for secure location: lawyer
"He's in Siberia, well-known for being hit by asteroids."
Midnight weddings as two U.S. states legalize gay marriage
Attorneys rubbing hands together in glee as "some of these guys have hundreds of partners over time. Think of the divorce money!"
George Zimmerman May Be Changing name in Mexico
NSA: It is now, "Speedy Gonzales"....looks like we been hacked again.
Your NSA Money At Work
George Zimmerman armed during recent dump in port-o-potty.
U.S. judge denies class certification sought by women suing Wal-Mart
"WalMart has deep pockets", says attorney representing group of women suing WalMart. (Ladies, check the WalMart pockets for your attorneys).
Sparring Chris Christie, Rand Paul draw GOP voters to their corners
Christie: Paul Rand is the pork barrel of politics! Paul: Christie is the Pork Belly of politics!
Once rare stomach illness becoming more widespread
"The Trots" once thought totally Wiped Out, are back with a vengeance!
More Horse Meat Found in Europe.
Police in Poland say the family became suspicious when pizza delivered itself!
German boy finds 'mummy' in attic
Turns out to be Norman Bates mother again! When will they ever give her a decent burial?
College Experiment With Monkeys
Study proves monkeys in a barrel are one big crappy mess! No fun at all!
Hacked NSA report states that Bill Clinton's "Undisclosed Location" was usually a Hooters in near-by Maryland.
Transylvania On Lookout For Vampires
"Notice if their hair is a mess", says Police officer. "They can't see themselves in the mirror!"