Massive Fire Threatens San Francisco's Power, Water #2
Governor Jerry Brown out of state to attend New Grateful Dead concert.
Massive Fire Threatens San Francisco's Power, Water
California Governor Jerry Brown: "What I want to know is what is George Bush going to do about this!"
Samantha Power in Ireland During Urgent Syria Meeting, Sources Say
"George Bush told me to come here. It's George Bush fault!"
STUDY: Birds can tell speed limit on certain roads
Explains all those dead birds from heart attacks always on the ground at Bonneville Salt Flats.
At Least Weiner Not Hurt
Anthony Weiner emerges unscathed after a three-car piled up on New York's busy FDR.
Horse Shit Fight Stopped By Elder
Happens every year about this time. It's really a busy gardening season & I guess the guys need to let off a little steam. Just thankful it wasn't another corncob up the wazzoo! Those can be rough."
Obsessive/Compulsive Man Finally Caught
"He caused us a lot of trouble and we had to finally bring him down with a dart", says police officer. "Apparently he stepped on a used baby diaper and couldn't get it off his shoe."
Another Bad day On Wall Street
Twenty-fifth blacksmith shop closed this year. Plus, rumor on the street has it that Cobbler facilities are down 50% from a year ago!
Meanwhile Back at The Typical Liberal Home
'The tooth fairy left me a dime, Daddy." "And what do we do with that dime?" "Save 5 cents for college fund and send 5 cents to Mr. Obama." "That's my good girl."
More Government Closures
The Mail Service Smoke Signals in Arizona, Utah and 8 other states will stop at the end of the year.
Bugging Thing Not All Bad
Every day my drawer says, "Time to change your underpants, Rand Paul. "I wrapped an old dirty pair around it a month ago. I wonder if they get tired of listening in to that?"
Earthquake Shakes Mount Rushmore
Washington's nose falls off. "The worst sign possible", says old hag with wart on her own nose. "With Washington's Falling Nose, Comes the Time of the Close!" Hee Hee I just now made that up!"
Julia Child WWII Report from Snowden
"Tripped boy carrying hot soup that hits Hitler in the face. It just steamed off. Poor kid. Cost of war, I guess."
Man Denies Undressing Barbie Doll
For the 100th time while the kids were outside playing. "I think the thing is haunted!"
Butane and Other Startling Ingredients Not Listed On The McDonald's Menu
Dimethylpolysiloxane? "A polymer of silicone used especially in pharmaceutical & cosmetic preparations." The purpose stated on McDonald's nutrition page is an anti-foaming agent, so fries don't foam.
America Gets Setback
As hacked drone plane rams into Washington DC Think Tank. One survivor tells reporters, "I never thought they'd think of the Think Tank."
Present Obama First Person Arrested After Stop Eating Junk Law Passed
"I told Michelle to leave that business alone! I'll still hold my head up high. Some of you guys guide me."
Atlanta Braves Hold "Any Adult Can Pitch Tonight"
As the Houston Astros pay a visit Turner Field!
Tuesday On "The View"
The table sisters interview "Priests who are invisible on all the cameras after an accident." Will they appear? Have they already been on but, couldn't be seen?
Monday On The View!
Tha gang around the table interview "People Who Always Say "Moanback, You got plenty of room to backer up."
Singer Linda Ronstadt has Parkinson's Disease
"Can't sing 'Poor, Poor Pitiful Me!' she jokes with reporter.
Jersey Man issued DUI ticket taken to jail!
"See this knife? I'll show you how soober I am by throwing it and hitting that knot on that tree. "That's a lamp post, Sir. Plus I am over here. Turn slowly in this direction and drop the knife."
Affleck as Batman? | It might work!
Especially if it is an animated version!
Workers strike at world's largest radio telescope
"If you heard what we just heard from space, you'd strike too! Strike out home to be with my loved ones", says employee.
Street Man Really Down
"I paid more money for that cap upturned on the sidewalk than walkers-by have put in it all day."
US arrests man 'with uranium for Iran in shoes'
"People say I'm crazy. I got uranium in the soles of my shoes.
Well that's one way to lose these walking blues. I got uranium in the soles of my shoes."
Putin Bans Demonstrations At Winter Olympics.
Will the United States and other western countries ban teams from going there?
Churches changing bylaws after gay marriage ruling
They need to be sure that they change their Bibles also. Or do the by-laws supersede the Bible?
IRS targeting veterans' organization
Better watch out. Vets have a lot of experience in gorilla warfare. 90% Americans Like Vets. 90% hate the IRS!
NSA Employees Eavesdropped on Love Interests, Significant Others
Ex-Employee says it was like they had their own soap opera every day.
New Policy Warns Border Agents Not to Detain Illegal Immigrant Parents
"And be sure that you arm them because they may have to defend themselves from the IRA people."
'Daily Fail' have new evidence in Diana case
The paper now claims that Diana was murdered as part of a plot by Romanian Gypsies to take over Britain. It repeated it call, first made in 1938, for all gypsies to be put in a camp and executed.
written by John_L, 24 August 2013
Harry Reid Makes A Discovery
"Someone has been rerouting billings from House to Senate for years. No wonder they are only half as much in debt as we are."
Local Ronald McDonald Fired
After wearing button, "Laughs A Bitch!" button for a week.
Hope It Doesn't Ruin Any Wedding Nights
Old Arkansas couple go down to rundown motel at edge of town for their fun. "We spot a couple sneaking in & we stay next door where we shake the bed & groan & moan for hours! It sure shakes them up!"
British Olympic balcony flinging team may be disqualified after one member found dead in the sea off Ibiza instead of splattered on the pavement...Olympic Committee deliberating.
written by Herrdoktorfox, 24 August 2013
"Take five....or six!"
Tulisa was on suicide watch after her arrest....quite obviously the guard never had a tea break poor sod.
written by Herrdoktorfox, 24 August 2013
It's A Different World
Most people today communicate by cellphone or emails I guess. So at most family & friends get-together, we have to wear name tags so that we can recognize each other. -I.M. Moleturd from Rooters.
PETA Protesting Police For 4th Day! #5
"We have proof", says leader. "Listen: "So we may as well quit that one. No use beating a dead horse." "See! They have beaten a poor old horse to death & were still at it when Captain made them quit."
PETA Protests Against Police Continues #4
"Now we overheard them talking about badgering us to death. They can't do that. A true animal lover cannot defend himself against a badger. Are they using badgers now instead of police dogs?"
Writer of "Blonde" in Trouble
"It's really hard working the "terrorists" into the funny pages, especially Dagwood and Blonde. Maybe I'll have Mr. Dithers blown up in his office or that mailman Bumstead runs into being al-Qaeda?"
Male Model Wakes Up From 20-Year Coma #2
Looks into mirror and sees he now looks like Floyd the Barber. "I'm going back into my coma now."
Male Model Wakes Up From 20-Year Coma
On the first day he looks out hospital windows and see young men wearing pants halfway down their ass and goes back to bed.
PETA Protests Police! #3
The PETA organization have filed a protest of city police after hidden microphone reveals Captain saying, "We're going to dispose of this nest of vipers!"
PETA Protests Police #2
After police Captain explains to reporters that they have been chasing after some red herrings.
PETA Protests Police!
After police officers caught on video while on a wild goose chase!
Transgender death possible hate crime
If killers hate crime so much why do they keep committing them? Duhhh!
Wildfire: Emergency for San Francisco
This is bad. All the old flower children are now old dried up weeds.
U.S. prepares for quick Syria response
After Obama, Bush, Clinton, Nuther Bush, Carter...I really dread the next one in the Oval Office. He/She's gotta be pretty dumb. We are NOT the world's police force. Send them some drones.
Peace Activist Admits He Owns 12 Guns!
"I'm just doing my part in keeping these guns from falling into the wrong hands.!"
Winner of Ten Million Lottery Sues Lottery!
After he shits and goes blind when his winning numbers came up!
Judge Rules Against GM's New Air Car
"But your Honor, we're only asking $3,000! An Eric Clapton autographed air guitar would bring twice that amount."
Affleck as Batman? Fans outraged!
Affleck: Hold on till you see a preview. We got Whoopee Goldberg to play Robin!"
Acupuncture patient calls 911 after being left pinned in clinic
"I felt like a pincushion. Wait until my lawyer pins their ears back. They won't do it again!"
Huge Crowds of the Poor Forming in Front of Banks
Homeless Man Robs Bank Of $1, Waits For Police In Attempt To Get Healthcare.
Online doctor visits
"Where we...uh..doctor can download everything you can tell them about problems and we....they can answer for a smaller fee", says President.
U.S. Warships headed toward Syria?
"At least they're not sending those awful cruise ships", says Assad!
BLOOMBERG: Take fewer bathroom breaks!
"Or have all your employees wear adult diapers. Less breaks, more output. If astronauts wear them, so can you. I must leave now and change mine. I guess that wasn't just a fart."
NSA Paid Googlefacebook Millions To Spy on Taxpayers...
"Then we were hacked and we received over 100,000 moonings sent to us from home computers."
50,000 abandoned dogs roaming streets of Detroit in packs
Almost as vicious as the street gangs!
15 people show up at Bloomberg anti-gun rally
That's 10 more than last year! "Up 200%", says Mayor!