Tiger Woods Seeing Another White Woman
This time may be it for the golf pro, as Lana Armstrong is an Albino!
Noises Not Bigfoot
Horrible noises heard in the backwoods of Kentucky were not that of a Bigfoot says ranger but from "BigFart" the leader of a local boy scout troop!
Scientists: It's Now Possible to Reintroduce Neanderthal DNA Into Gene Pool
Would make great stunt men, cesspool cleaners, horse shit shovelers in Washington DC.
U.S. Drone Strikes Another Target
Mistake in program blamed for new Target store destruction. "Just glad the builders had left for the day", says builder boss.
John Deere Never Mowed Any Lawns
As far as John Deere historians can find, he got as many as three "Dear John" letters while in the U.S. Army & began inventing a John Deere tractor for his eventual wife who usually mowed their yard.
True Facts According to Snoops #565
Snoops: Because there is no such word in Ukrainian for "The Velvet Fog", crowds there who heard Mel Torme often shouted, "What A Jazz Ass! What A Jazz Ass!"
True Facts According To Snoops #101
Snoops: The expression "There's no fool like an old fool" was invented by the Anasazi Native Americans back when they were known as Indians.
China to go to moon by year's end!
Hey, all those debts gone plus the problem of overpopulation solved for years.
South Carolina City outlaws homelessness
So expect a lot of strangers to be sleeping in your back yards, garages, cars, trees tonight.
Big company forgot to get rid of me years ago!
Elevator man fired after nearly 40 years on the job. "From now on, you elevator people will have to learn to push your own buttons. I'm outa here!"
Whole Family of Relatives Angry at Georgia Man
After he trades cars forgetting that Grandma's ashes were in small box that they were going to scatter at the old home place. "I'm sorry! They had already cleaned the car! She got sucked up!"
NSA Official Tells Protester Off!
"We aren't looking for terrorists who Bore people to death!"
Donald Rumsfeld Shows Up At White House
Kicks some young aid in the ass as hard as he can and leaves!
Electro-shock treatment makes medical comeback
Water-Boarding also now being reconsidered.
Japan upgrades nuclear leak to "serious incident"
"We want to study further before classifying it as "Expect Generation of Freaks!"
No Amish Mafia?
Louie "The Wagon Tongue" Yoder found pitchforked to death after short visit to police station!
Calif. fire prompts unhealthy air warnings in Nevada
Announcement: "Air is dangerous outside to breathe. Stay in the Casino. Repeat: Stay in the Casino!"
Amish Group Upset Over Show Called 'Amish Mafia'
"We're not anything like that show we have heard about", says Don "The Buggy Whip" Yoder!
Native Americans Regaining The Country
"We now have strippers at Casinos and taking back our country a dollar (down the front of the thong) at a time", says Chief Penny Slots!
.......the cunning linguist!
Aging matinee idol and expert minge gobbler Michael 'nosher' Douglas has parted company with his nubile missus Catherine Secretions-Jones-"he's had his fill of me wailed our Cath!"
written by Herrdoktorfox, 28 August 2013
Amish Revise Punishment For Kids
Now they make them go to their room and watch blank television screen.
Farmer says neighbor has best bull ever
"I just back up the truck, lower the loader and let the cows fight it out to see who can get on the back!"
News From Pigeon Forge, Tennessee
Hooter's waitresses walk out on strike after visit from hometown girl, Dolly Parton!
Jordan: We won't help
Oh, then all is lost. We were definitely depended on Jordan!
Syrian PM warns country will become a 'graveyard for invaders' 2
Assad: Your troops bodies will lie in our streets! Your widows will mourn for their loses! Pssst!! (Where are the Spider Holes?).
Syrian PM warns country will become a 'graveyard for invaders'
Assad: It will be "The Mother of all Wars"!
The NFL Says Enough Is Enough Bro
The NFL announces that it will no longer tolerate excessive celebratory antics on the field and will instruct the players to wait and celebrate when they get home.
Huma Abedin Talks About Weiner
Anthony Weiner's wife Huma has reportedly told him to change his last name or else she may leave him.
The Pepsi-Coke Battle Has Begun
The Coca-Cola Company in an effort to compete with Pepsi's new Pepsi-Flavored Cheetos will soon introduce Coke-Flavored Pork Skins.
Weiner and Filner Are In The Same League
Former mayor of San Diego Bob Filner says he may move to New York City and run for mayor.
Michael Douglas Refuses To Change His Last Name To Zeta-Jones
Michael Douglas and wife Catherine Zeta-Jones have said they've separated and are just taking a break from each other. Kind of like Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore?
Several New Items Added To Smithsonian
Including adult diaper used by Rand Paul during recent Filibuster!
Saturday Mail will soon be discontinued!
You will receive a notice in the mail on why it will no longer be sent...but not on a Saturday.
More Horse Meat Found
British Inquiry Widens After Horse Meat Found in Blood Pudding.
NBC Tells Syria That Cruse Missile Strike Will Occur at Assad's Palace in Damascus on Thursday @ 5:00 EDT
NBC CEO and Obama Spokesman, Stephen B. Burke, announced today that the U.S. will hit President Assad's palace in Damascus with multiple cruise missiles on Thursday, August 29 at 5:00 pm EDT.
written by Moose, 28 August 2013
Republicans Say Illegal Immigrants Can Stay In U.S.
But anyone who is caught employing them will be deported.
Drone sent after Dick Cheney Doesn't Work
"I told it to get it's ass out of here before I shot it in the face."
Justice Department Memo Reveals Legal Case for Drone Strikes on Americans
"Let's say you have decided to vote Republican...."
Pope Benedict Still Resting From Spring Break
"Right now I'm too potted to poop!"
Putin: I Didn't Think That Wimp Would Surprise Anybody
Obama says he's not a wimp & "I'm going to hold my breath until you take it back."
Advice Column: If Miley Cyrus outrages you, don't watch
"She looked like a member of "Cats" that had forgotten to rehearse!"
Mercedes-Benz Embraces Web Connectivity
Mercedes-Benz's next "C Class" will offer Pandora Radio and Google Maps. The "E Class" will add email, while the "S Class" will include MB's premium internet application, "Klusterfnugen".
written by Moose, 28 August 2013
Measles hit faith-healing church
"With all those red spots, we'll certainly have to repaint it", says one Elder.
America's Disappearing Jobs
It is a good idea to leave off any special training in Bowling Alley Pinsetter or Elevator Operator. Those jobs are disappearing fast.
How to Handle the Fashion Offender in the Workplace
Use a compliment like, "I bet those really looked good on your grandmother!"
When Good Foods Make You Feel Bad
Scientist has finally come forth with an answer: "If you leave a good food, say squash, in the back of refrigerator for longer than a month, it can make you sick."
Deadline for finalizing Obamacare health plans delayed
Most say that they still haven't read the thing. "It's written in 'Lawyerese'", says on politician.
Miley's twerking dance officially enters lexicon
Sort of a cross between The Jerk and Turkey Trot...A Twerky Twat!
Christie defends role in NJ 'Stronger Than The Storm' promo ads
"Can leap tall building with a single bounce!"
Syrian Electronic Army Appears to Take Credit For NYTimes Hack
"Why not?", asks Assad. "Is President gonna put up or shut up?"
AGAIN: President delays deadline for finalizing Obamacare health plans
"Maybe Hilary will know what to do about it."
Why Is Obama Giving Away Targets Ahead of Time?
"Well, I certainly wouldn't want our good friends the Muslim Brotherhood to get hurt."
REPORT: Calls intercepted by U.S. 'prove' Syrian Army used nerve gas
President Obama doesn't call, he comes out and says we're just gonna hit a few spots! We're giving you plenty of time to get out of those.
Concerning Obama Giving Away Targets in Syria
Jimmy Carter: Maybe I wasn't such a bad president after all!
Why pursue Snowden when Obama 'is giving away plan of attack to anyone?'
Obama charged with giving away military secrets?
Small Minnesota Town Welcomes Veteran Back Home!
"Glad to be back home. Good to see some of you, others I could take out with a piece of wire. Anybody happened to marry Anne while I was gone? I'll give you 3-4 days. This is now My town! Thank you."
Obama struggling to know what to do
Finally gives up and calls war master Jimmy Carter and asks how he would attack..say.. the Peanut Gallery on old Howdy Doody Show!
Gok Wan in hospital for sex change
and admits "I've always felt that I wanted be a man."
written by Paxton Quigley, 28 August 2013
Big Recall Of Marmot!
Bubonic plague outbreak feared in Asia after teenager ate infected barbecued marmot.
Scientist uses 'brain cap' to control colleague's finger
Nothing new about that. NYC taxi drivers control passed by customers who automatically bring out finger!
Man wearing 'Obama 2008' t-shirt charged with indecent exposure at WALMART
"We're a dressy bunch in here. Don't ruin our image!", says floor boss.
PAGLIA: Miley Cyrus, Go Back to School!
You're beginning to look like the butt of a mule!