Snoops True Facts #9201
According to Snoops: Nude Fiddle playing was made illegal in Louisiana in 1948 but wasn't enforced until 2010. Not all "Yaaeeee!" was part of the song but getting hit accidentally by washboard player.
Perez The Voter Caught in Texas
Police today arrested Javier Perez for illegally voting in all 50 states during the last Presidential election. "There were about a hundred of us on three buses & 1,000 fake drivers licenses."
Snoops True Facts #2099
According to Snoops: The very first record released by NRC Records was: "Mama's Casket" by Bosco "Muskrat" Jones, a blues singer.
ESPN Ratings Down #3
Once again, to spice things up, ESPN is experimenting with off season sports. Friday nights next February, you will be able to see Donkey Hockey! 9PM,ET, 8PM,CT.
Lots of Action In The Sky
In case you're wondering what all the blasting is about, the U.S. is experimenting with sending drone planes to destroy those they sent out yesterday.
An End to Sunburn Pain: Scientists Say It's Possible
"All you need to do is put on some good skin cream and go on a three-day-bender. You'll actually look forward to treatments."
ESPN Ratings Down #2
Another possibility: Mennonite/Amish buggy races pulled by mules on a mud track and lone driver allowed to carry a pitchfork!
ESPN Ratings Down
To spice things up, they are experimenting with allowing baseball pitchers to throw one exploding baseball per inning.
Al Gore Promoting Shaved Heads
Save millions on haircuts. Do your own. No need for shampoos. Only need a hat in the sun, Russian hat for winter. Lower temps around house with/without hats inside. Less wind resistant for windmills!
MLB has suspended Alex Rodriguez for 211 games, but A-Rod is playing. Why is he playing now with the Yanks in next to last place? He could be back in a couple of years. He could beef-up a lot by then.
"She could have been my daughter," Obama says
African-American Tawana Brawley, who falsely claimed she'd been gang-raped by white men, has been forced to pay up after being sued for slander 26 years ago. Obama says the judgment is "unjust."
Well, at least he got to third base. . . .
A third baseman was shocked, disappointed, and publicly humiliated when his would-be fiancee turned down his marriage proposal at a baseball game. "No," she said, "you're too much of a player!"
Bush undergoes heart surgery
George W. Bush was rushed into surgery for a cardiac procedure as surgeons seek to install a heart in the former "compassionate conservative." Doctors give the procedure a 50-50% chance of success.
New research on alcoholism
A recent study suggests that those who habitually drink to excess may be prone to alcoholism.
Bill Clinton addresses Weiner scandal
Former president Bill Clinton advised Anthony Weiner to text images of only his flaccid penis. "That way, there's no indication of sexual intent," Clinton said. "I know: been there, done that."
15-ton ball of fat removed from London sewer
Prince Charles, told of the removal of a 15-pound ball of fat from a London sewer, said, "I told Camilla not to eat so many pizzas and cheesecakes!" He assured Londoners she'll be "dieting hereafter."
Linkedin: only ugly women can be engineers
When beautiful female engineers posted their photos on Linkedin, the company deleted them on the grounds that beauties cannot have the brains it takes to be engineers "unless they're driving a train."
Lady Gaga sued
Wendy Starland and her former boyfriend Rob Fusari are suing Lady Gaga. They helped launch her career, they say, and now want "a piece of her--but not that piece."
Lady Gaga's secret remains secret
A judge ordered that Lady Gaga does not have to reveal the "secert" that she was born a male. The information, he says, is "unimportant" to her case. He--uh, she--is being sued for being famous.
Protesters Say U.S. Not Helping
Protesters in 34 countries have stated that they are not receiving enough time on U.S. TV. "We don't have enough channels, reporters or What..OK, our reporters are now protesting going anywhere else."
U.S. Debts Are Down!
President Barack Obama's meeting with a Mr. McDuck seems to have helped a lot.
Italy Requests That Vatican Help Country Stay Afloat
Pope Francis tells bishops to all send in this weeks donation, "sell a couple dozen of those old WWII paintings that the Germans donated. Should fix you right up!"
Apple Makes Changes After Electrocution Reports
"If the people with language problems will just compare our product with the real apple, then they wouldn't be biting down on them", says spokesman.
Fort Hood accused opens defense with 'War is an ugly thing
He is immediately interrupted by wife of victim "And there sits the Ugly Thing in that chair beside you!!"
Toppled Czech PM Necas divorces after scandal
Not another one. Can't any nation's leader think with their heads anymore?
Iran's Rowhani urges 'serious' nuclear talks without delay
In other words, they're probably having a meltdown!
Protest as Greens ask Germans to give meat cold shoulder
Germans ask Greens to accept their meaty middle fingers!
Bush undergoes surgery to clear blocked artery, brain
Joe Biden has foot removed from mouth and President Obama receives one-of-a-kind nose shield to keep him from drowning when he's out in the rain.
Mohammed Ali Releases New Book, Tricks Us Again
Ali's new book, "Flop Like A Horsefly, Swing Like A Tree" said to be almost identical to last one except the fact that none of it makes sense. Therefore it's a bestseller in humor. The sly old fox!
San Diego Mayor enters therapy amid sexual harassment allegations
"Allegations, my derriere", says one of alleged victims. "Pardon my French!"
Florida executes mass murderer said by lawyers to be mentally ill
After almost 40 years on death row, who wouldn't be mentally disturbed.
Second major transit agency strike threatened in San Francisco area
Driver's demand to be able to smoke at work station, free marijuana!
Tina Brown blasts Howard Kurtz
Kurtz vows to eat beans three times a day until he can catch her off guard, especially in an elevator.
Emotional Chris Christie reveals 'low point' of his life
It was the day I had been putting off, stepping onto a set of scales. When I did, I discovered that I could no longer see them.
Britain's biggest 'fatberg' removed from London sewer
However no one is sure what Eric Pickles was doing in the sewer to start with.
written by John_L, 06 August 2013
Kashmir attack could put India-Pakistan peace talks on ice
That leaves only 19 nations that are not at war or nearing one.
Most Israelis object to withdrawing to pre-1967 borders: poll
Selfish say many nations. They are just thinking of themselves and being blown up by PLO terrorists again.
Sun's magnetic field "is about to flip", warns NASA
Scientists blame the phenomenon on too many races and too many politicians flip-flopping all over Planet Earth.
Michelle's Newest Initiative: Using Hip-Hop to Fight Obesity
Also invites Hilary to lead older group exercising to Bunny-Hop!
French Nurse Rents Out Breasts to Gay Parents.
Police: We arrested several men who were not gay but were babysitting for friends for free.
Terrorist Warning Upgraded
Upgraded as squirrels and winos suddenly head for safety under anything they can find.
Global Computer Glitch Cancels Flights For Hundreds of Thousands of Fliers
Also listings on Destinations for Atlantis, Camelot, Avalon and Elysian Fields!
Weiner Rising In The Polls
"I can be as stiff-necked as my opponent", says Weiner.
Yemen Upset with U.S. Drone Attack on Terrorist Camp.
Yewomen say they are also upset!
Dem Polling Firm Lists George Zimmerman Among 2016 GOP Presidential Candidates...
GOP Listing: O.J. Simpson, Homer Simpson, Robert Zimmerman, Al Gore and Hilary Clinton among Dems. Homer Simpson #1 at present. Doh!
London finds bus-sized lump of fat in sewer #2
Suspect that most came from near-by Liposuction Center, KFC Restaurant.
London finds bus-sized lump of fat in sewer.
Update: Actually it's a surprise visit to London by Governor Chris Christie. "I tried but couldn't get out", says flushed New Jersey Governor.
U.S. Bombs Yemen?
U.S. Evacuates...Britain Bails...Australia empties...France surrenders!
For the Birds
What's the difference between a flock of flamingos and Congress?
Flamingos keep cool by urinating on their legs. Congressmen prefer getting pissy with John Boehner.
written by Michael Balton, 06 August 2013
Obama teed off
To celebrate his birthday, Barack Obama, 52, played golf with Tiger Woods' mistresses and ordered a birth certificate, which lists his age as "39" and his citizenship as "American, more or less."
"Washington Post" sells out
Amazon's Jeff Bezos announced his decision to buy the washed-up Washington Post, which lost almost $50 million last year. "I did it so the paper won't fold. I want to save its comic strips," he said.
MLB suspends players
Major League Baseball suspended all players on Monday. Commissioner Bud Selig said, "We're tired of this pussy sport and can't wait for football season to begin. Then, we can watch real men score."
Things Ain't The Same
Retired ambulance driver says things have changed since he first drove an ambulance at top speed towards a hospital. No sirens back then. We all just screamed out the window & swung a lantern."
Terrorist Only Partly Successful
Act of terrorism failed this morning in Washington Square Park in NYC when a terrorist threw a Molotov Cocktail into tour group & a drunk drank it. "BURP! Pardon lady. FART!! 911-She's on fire here!"
Kerry Looking A Head!
John Kerry, looking a head, says that he has faith that during trip to Israel, there could be a break. However, we don't know who will be in charge on the Arab side by then. Still, I'm looking A Head!