CO apartment complex bans gun owners
"We're leaving says one resident. "I think the others are too. I mean, the word is out. Crooks come on and rob the place."
U.S. Not Celebrating 150th Anniversary of Civil War
Most re-enactments in Egypt, Lebanon, Syria, Libya,etc.
Facebook Founder Zuckerberg makes $4 Million in One Day
Facebook Founder Mark Zuckerberg makes nearly $4 billion in one day of trading. Then has pocket picked at the airport. "Not to worry", he tells police. "I only keep a million or so on me."
George W. Bush Recovering Nicely
After By-Pass surgery, someone told the former President that his pants were zipped and he glanced around and then looked down. "Yep! He's back to normal."
Mick Jagger Turns 70
But after several cosmetic surgeries with two face lifts, he looks 80! On the other hand, Keith Richards looks like he's been dead for some time now.
Archaeologist On Easter Island Identifies Statues
"It is my opinion that they are some kind of figure heads", stated Professor Ian Tyson.
Weiner Not Being Frank! Calls Opponent Old Fart
After a NYC candidate forum at the AARP, Weiner, 48, touched the chest of 69-year-old Rep. candidate George McDonald, who responded: "Old Fart huh? Don't put your slimy hands on me again."
Weiner Gets A Good Grilling
Many at grilling stated that he gave them all a good impression! "We thought he would be hot-dogging it but he was a gentleman."
First Lab-Grown Hamburger, Made From Stem Cells, Served in London
By a robot waitress on skates.
Global Terrorist Lookout
NSA, Other Country Homeland Security asks that all people everywhere report anyone who is acting suspiciously..not county NYC subway.
Queen records message to subjects should nuclear war come
"Any of you that are not fried grease balls or shadows on the walkway, keep a stiff upper lip and rally the British Kingdom."
NSA people assure US public that they can't see through walls!
(background speaker) "Hey Ronald. Come see these. No need for porn on the net if you see what some of these horny people are doing in their bedrooms). Shhhhhhh!
Scientists Tell U.S. Public Not To Worry About Asteroids
"If one WERE to hit the earth then you wouldn't know about it anyway. It would suddenly appear and you would suddenly disappear. I hope that has settled several people's worries."
Groping Incidents By San Diego Mayor Down 50%
"At least he's trying", say most. "How about that Weiner fellow?"
Increased Chatter By Terrorists Last Week
CIA now say it may have been a bad connection or a wire unplugged somewhere.
Georgia marks fifth anniversary of Russia war
Former President elderly Jimmy Carter: "That's all. Only five years. I don't even recall war with Russia. Was that where Billy died? Are we still holding on to Richmond?"
UN: Colombia coca crop down 25 percent
US: Meth labs up 25%. Average American 25% uglier with 25% less teeth.
Ghosts Still At It!
Once again the ghosts of John and George appeared to Ringo in bed and laughed at him aging while they're still young. "Look at the hooter, George! Ha ha ha!" "You just need fake mustache and glasses!"
Russia wants the United States out of Afghanistan!
'It's only fair", says Putin. "We had it before you and now it's our time to get to play in the rocks and cave. I'll be riding a white horse and they will fear me!"
Souse Singer At Bar in Paducah
He-heres a lettle somethin you'll all lack: "Oh Gandy, I something something you came and something uh hic! without uh randy. Till I sent you something...something." Wadden thet grape?"
Green Day Band Performing In N. Korea
Lots of clapping and cheering...or else! Kim Jong Un joins band on stage and does the Macarena or something close to it.
Dog Suspects UPS Package Will Endanger Lives of Entire Household, Responds Accordingly
Spike, the 9-pound Pomeranian, nearly busted the door down trying to repel the UPS package delivery today. Barking non-stop for 5 minutes, Spike eventually declared victory and shut the hell up.
written by Moe Nightwalker, 08 August 2013
Spying Equipment found in Supreme Court Room
One surprise: They never give a verdict until after Jeopardy is over. Winner gets to announce the decision.
Pursued meteors will light up night sky on Monday
I'm sorry. That should be "Perseid meteors will light up night sky on Monday".
Is Spontaneity the Greatest Danger to Your Weight?
Most say yes but many answer that it's probably that evening meal that lasts from 6-10 PM while watching TV.
Headlines: NSA surveillance more extensive than previously
How can that be when they already had info one every single one of us. I got a call last night and a whisperer told me that I had left the cat out.
In wishing Bush well, Putin has message for Obama
"Take that Mr. Osama", Russia's Putin tells Russian press!
Actor George Takei joins petition to move Winter Olympics from Russia to Canada
Explains: "Just taking the President's side in pissing contest with Putin!"
President Obama to Begin talking to the Unemployed
He will be making his first stop at...oh, just about anywhere in America!
US Drone Kills Six More Terrorists in Yemen
That's 32 in all, if you are keeping score. Wait a minute. I forgot to sign mine. That's a 2-dead terrorist penalty.
Bezos known for his demanding style as manager.
Yet almost 80% of Clown Union say they support him!
Rodeo bull runs wild at Minnesota fair.
Runs through Best China judging tent!
Egyptian Civil War Could Last A Long Time
Especially when the United States civil war II breaks out here. "We will not allow the government to take our liberties much longer", says member of Tea Party.
REPORT: Obama admin makes new rule to compel diversity in neighborhoods
"Every third house has to be filled with a minority."
Jeb Bush rips Damon for sending his kids to private school
Then rips one off in disgust as he leaves mike. "Bush Beans To You Damon!"
NSA Searches Content to and From USA; Texts, emails.
Plus anything we can blackmail you with at election time.
That's the Long & Short of it!
I thought of a new password for my computer and put mypenis as the new one. A message came back: 'Error- not long enough'
written by j.w., 08 August 2013
Laugh Prison: Branson's new airline to stage on-board comedy shows.
"Have you heard the one about the aircraft that split in two while in the air? Well, you'll love this one. Wake that guy up. He wouldn't want to miss anything."
Spy Versus Spy
IRS manual detailed DEA's use of hidden intel evidence on citizens...who would have thought that free Americans could be turned into a nation of spies?