Still another Wizard of Oz
Young Kansas girl goes on LSD trip, kills first person she meets in Oz. Soon her three hired killers actually melt poor old woman. Stars Lindsay Lohan as Girl and Johnny Depp as her little dog, Tonto.
Last Place White Sox May Change Name
"If things don't improve soon, we'll be changing it to the White Flag!", says manager.
Scientists Make Teeth From Urine #2
"I don't know, Bubba. Mine taste more like Budweiser. I guess it's according to what they drink. Wait a minute. You're right! Coors Light! Girly Scientists!"
New enforcement policies take effect at NCAA
"Remember guys, starting this year it's two-hand touch above the waist. Sorry Hook!"
Blending humans and nature with bodypainting
Look closely. Can you tell where Al Franken ends and the big elephant turd begins?
Every man alive can trace his origins to man who lived 135,000 years ago
And that ancient man, whom we think was named George, likely shared the planet with the mother of all mothers, who had over 500 children! This according to Professor Billy Corgan.
Annoying Co-worker Asking Everyone About "Vaca" Plans
Melissa Wogan, that fat chick from project management, made a point to ask everyone at the morning status meeting if they had any "vaca" plans for the summer. She had no plans herself.
written by Moe Nightwalker, 01 August 2013
NY Proposes Museum of Political Corruption.
But it would take a building the size of Central Park!
NFL Player: 'N Word Said All Over, On Field, In Locker Rooms'
"Mostly between N.. People of color...themselves. Even worse, we all cut loose on player's Mamas."
Cops: 5-year-old robs 3-year old
"He made him exchange diapers with his that were full of goodies. Used 'water weasel' as threat."
Vandals Spray Swastikas On Church, Write 'Satan Loves Me'
Old Church lady calls them cowards for not touching mosques. "Why don't you get a pair?"
Russia sends warship to Cuba; Boosting military!
Visitors to Kennedy's Eternal Flame say that ground is rumbling underneath as late President is constantly rolling over.
The Chernobyl Times Wins Award
Chernobyl Times Newspaper wins first place award in "Most Eye Catching" of all newspapers on the racks. "Provides it's own light at night", says Russian Newspaper Stand.
Travel Channel Host Andrew Zimmern Reminds You He Is Not George's Brother
Andrew Zimmern, host of "Bizarre Foods" on The Travel Channel, would like everyone to remember his last name is not Zimmerman. He plans an updated intro and closing for next season's shows.
written by Moe Nightwalker, 01 August 2013
Mayor Bloomburg Trying to Limit Size of Malt Liquor
This time getting even more threats than ban on big sodas, many unreadable!"There's even packages of puke coming in," says secretary who refuses to open anymore.
Piggy Neuman and "Red-Nosed" Recardo Get Early Start
Already making New year's resolutions for 2014. "An early start can really help...stand up Recardo!", says Piggy.
Former Nazi was Senator form Minnesota for several years
"We always though he was joking when he would Hail a taxi, Hitler!', says Orin Hatch of Utah.
First Taliban Rock Band Explodes Guitar.
"Trouble is, we need new guitarist for every gig", says Bono Ahmed.
Joe Biden Seen at Barnes & Noble
Checking out book, "How To Keep Your Mouth Shut For Dummies".
Nerd at College Found Hanging OK as Roommate Finds Him in Time
"Poor Scanty..uh..Scotty Weiner. He had already written his suicide note in Klingon", says lifesaver.
NSA Claims Secret Tape Help Catch Mobster
Louie 'Butt Ugly' Roberto caught in FBI sting operation, Trading Women for Stolen Bank Money. "She a cop too?" "Vice Squad!" "Figures!"
NSA Tape of Clintons at White House:
"Why are your pants wet?" "I can't tell you. They might catch on fire again."
Nuther Busy Day For President
Mr. Obama will be attending a most important meeting with a foreign minister at undisclosed golf course: White House Spokesman.
"Project Runway" billboards removed
Project Runway billboards were removed from display in Los Angeles after LGBT community complaints. "The models are all hetero," they charged, "whereas L. A., especially West Hollywood, is all homo."
Supreme Court Reaffirms Fact
Banning Big Colas in New York City "as pointless as a fart in a hurricane!"
Girlie mags no longer acceptable to U. S. servicemen
U. S. military bases no longer stock Playboy, Penthouse, or other girlie magazines. "Our men in uniform are too effeminate to buy such magazines," President Obama said proudly.
Miss America Speaks To Taliban About World Peace
That was a week ago. Anyone seen Miss America since last Friday?
Press After Weiner Again
NSA leak allow tape of wife calling Weiner, "Dinky Poo".
War on women continues as Aussie bosses tell female employees to "button up"
Worried about sex harassment, Australian employers have ordered female employees to "dress appropriately" during work. Translation? No more displays of boobs and buns. No see-through blouses. No fun.
101st Airborne Change?
In order to save millions of dollars, Vive President Joe Biden has requested that 101st Airborne replace planes with helium balloons and lawn chairs.
Kansas meatpacker recalls 50,100 pounds of ground beef #3
"Meatpacker Recall?" shouts Anthony Weiner. "Do you know how silly these Weiner jokes are getting? There's been no recall. I haven't even been elected yet!"
Kansas meatpacker recalls 50,100 pounds of ground beef #2
"Oh, somebody found a pubic hair in their chili", say CEO. "That's a gag, folks! Go ask Anita Hill!"
Spain PM says corruption scandal has hit country's image abroad
United Nations: Since when has Spain ever had an image to be proud of? Might as well join the rest of us. We're all snooping crooks.
Putin: Russia may detain some Olympic athletes
Although Russian law allows the government to detain lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender foreigners, Vladimir Putin insists that LGBT Olympics athletes will be held "only if they win gold medals."
Chemical weapons investigators head to Syria within days: U.N.
Rumor: If you get into the right combination of chemicals, you can become a Superhero.
Bill Clinton embraces "alternate lifestyle"
Former president Bill Clinton announced that, at Hillary's request, he is embracing an "alternate lifestyle." "I'm going to give celibacy a try," he said.
Weiner May be Leaving NYC Mayor's Race After All! #2
Anthony Weiner offered a starring role in a remake of "The Thing!"
Weiner May be Leaving NYC Mayor's Race After All!
New Yorkers: Schlong! "It's been good to know you! Schlong! It's been to know you!"
Worst TV Spin-Offs Ever #2
Original "Hanna Montana Show". Spin-Off: "Miley Cyrus Shows Whatever is Allowable on TV".
Worst TV Spin-Off Of All Time
"Gunsmoke" closure leads to "A Festus for the Rest of Us!".
Latest On Drones
Five-year-old drone after Bin Laden finally abandons desert and heads for the ocean.
Drones a significant topic as Kerry meets Pakistani leaders
Better duck that big head", he's advised. "Those drones are getting lower everyday."
Ariel Castro likely to get life-plus-1,000 years
Asks judge to round it off to just 1,000 years!
McCain has an oops moment
"Good thing we brought extra adult diapers", say bodyguards.
Bus strike to snarl commute for some workers in Phoenix area
Already this morning, stranded passengers are beginning to snarl!
Stay Physically Fit Without Paying an Arm and Leg
Specialists say that taking a good laxative will work fine. "It will make you eat less and make you run more."
Charley Weaver Advice: No Horse Meat!
Long time comedian says that you simply cannot mess with the original recipe for "Donkey Fazoo". Charley denied reports of his death years ago. "That was Cliff Arquette."
Kansas meatpacker recalls 50,100 pounds of ground beef
After Budweiser Clydesdale DNA discovered during inspections.
Snowden leaves Moscow airport, gets refugee status in Russia
Or death penalty, it will be choice. "Some choice", says 'traiter'.
Neighborhood Watch Teams OK
Law enforcement officers say that most Neighborhood Watch Teams a good idea but to always phone police to take care of situations. "We don't need anymore 'Clint Eastwood' type incidents!"
"The Boy's Big Book of Homemade Explosives" has been pulled from middle-school shelves on the grounds of being sexist literature.
written by The Ruling Authority, 01 August 2013
George Zimmerman armed during recent Texas traffic stop
Given a warning by traffic cop, compared guns and planned to meet again at some future date at a gun show.
A-Rod Banned For Life? #3
Yankees bosses order other players to shun teammate should he show up at stadium dugout.
A-Rod Banned For Life? #2
Yankee slugger tears shirt in half upon hearing news, turns green!
A-Rod Banned For Life?
400-pound Miley Moleturd banned from port-o-potties for life, after breaking seats, having to get jaws of life for freedom after turning several over when leaning to one side.