Lohan To Be Released On Bail Again?
Pleads Not Guilty By Reason of Celebrity! "I may sue. These police people are beginning to get on my nerves. I'm a celebrity. We're like those UN people who don't pay parking tickets."
Woody Allen Having Problems
Woody Allen gets into heated conversation with Bodegas owner over price of Kumquat & leaves while still arguing with the Kumquat. "You know he cheated me, don't you? Now don't you go taking his side!"
Some US Embassies Closed All Week!
NSA: There's so much chatter overheard that it sounds like Tarzan and Cheetah drunk fermented fruit.
Runaway 4th of July Float Stops!
Out of control Float and Catfish Festival Queen come to rest in Key West. All will be well after stomach pumped for eating decoration flowers.
Berlusconi stands by broad coalition
"There are thousands of women who will back me up", he smiles while being led away.
Russia's Putin Claims Royalty
According to Professor Virgil Caine I'm the direct descendant of King Rootin' Tootin' and his wife, Queen Hotsy-Totsy! It was confirmed Friday by greatest authority, Kore Lee Howard.
More Boxing Rules Needed?
John McCain & Harry Reid have once again called for the federal government to help regulate boxing. "They should only get to land 10 punches a round!" Most think the punchy ones are in the Senate.
Senior U.S. senator says Putin acting like 'schoolyard bully'
"But I look around this room and there's not a John Kennedy anywhere who would face him down."
Large Stash of Charles M. Schulz Comics Found!
Get ready for 20 years of comics, books and television specials about "Popcorn & Gang". First release, "Popcorn, You Pin-Head!" due out Christmas.
Latest On The Lone Ranger Movie!
Television ads quote three different movie critics saying, "The Lone Ranger" was one of the movies of 2013!
Dolly Parton Gets Bag Boy Fired
"All I said was that she had these large circles under her eyes."
Paris Hilton Missing?
"She's fine", says publicist. "She like to go on these 3-month shopping sprees!"
Liza Minnelli Upset after receiving 9 dozen roses
Crowd: "Why was she upset? Stage Hand: She had ordered 10.
200 foot sinkhole still expanding in Kansas
Rescuers finally give up on finding Auntie Em, hired hands.
Vivienne Westwood: The queen of punk fashion
"I present a crafting of What Is in the form of Anti-What Is to bring out the true negative of non-formation." Ahah! So that's it!
Do you want fries with that?
Over 30% of U.S. workers now at the hamburger-flipper level.
U.S. Hires More Hackers
"We now have a whole network of hackers that put out miss-information", says Obama. "Of course, I could be lying!"
U.S. NSA revelations could hurt collaboration with 'betrayed' hackers
"I somehow hacked my own computer information about the people and company I was hacking", says one Guv. hacker.
Every appliance in your house and all the latest tech devices will be outdated within six months.
Threat prompts high-level meeting at White House
President and Congressional leaders meet atop roof. "First lets get these NSA mikes out of here."
Al-Qaida Promises Attack
Senator: 'Most serious threat I've seen in a number of years'...probably since the Alamo. (How soon we forget)
Little Chef in £15m Kuwaiti sale
The Kuwaiti Royals are pleased to now own Jamie Oliver while David Cameron was said to be sad at losing a celebrity chum.
written by John_L, 04 August 2013
Authorities Boost Security Inside Homeland.
After warning the public that they should be doing something to protect themselves at home also. (But no guns).
House in Cleveland, Tennessee Turned Upside Down
After previous night's TV showing of Justin Bieber Special at teenage girl's house, interrupted six times by phoning politicians, two by salesmen and ten times by boyfriend's flatulence!
Still Another Protest Begins
This time it's a huge mob with torches surrounding Castle Frankenstein!
Bad Sign For Economy
U.S. Government to supplement "Habitat For Humanity" building of over 10,000 poor houses next year.
NCAA Football Season Near
Paducah St. hopes to return to last year's Porridge Bowl! "I think we'll win it this year", says student. "Metropolis of Illinois lost many seniors!" Game scheduled: The Food Channel, New Year's Day!
Osama bin Laden Wins NBC's "Biggest Loser"
Muammar Gaddafi finishes a fairly close second!
Local Family's Small Dog Still Missing
Husband suddenly remembers previous night's party and flushing a large dump.
Thousands Gather in Detroit for Auto Show
Also gang fights, inner-city tours to preview WWIII, Lion's scrimmage.
Russia's Putin to meet new Iranian president in September
Meeting for talks, arm wrestling, staring contest, Israeli jokes.
Iran's new president makes first appointment
Pormer President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad appointed to head dog catcher!
Weiner says he is '100 percent not' sexting anyone right now #2
"I am not...wait a minute. That was on automatic at 8 PM..now? OK! I am not sexting anyone right now!"
Another Cold War?
Snowden asylum strains U.S. relations with Russia, Snowden's family, friends.
Top US officials hold meeting!
Top US officials meet to discuss embassy threat, NFL up-coming season! Exchange Weiner jokes.
First talking 'robot astronaut' to go into space
"Warning! Warning! Alien approaching! Will Robinson! Where are you Will Robinson?"
NBC TV Announces New "Downtown Abbie" Series
NBC TV today announced a new series "Downtown Abbie" for their fall schedule. The show, unrelated to the PBS series "Downton Abbey", centers on the life a woman who lives in a Chicago highrise.
UFC Fighter Uses Crosswords, Sodoku To Stay Sharp
Veteran UFC competitor Max Damage told reporters this week that he does daily crossword and Sodoku puzzles to keep his mind sharp. Damage explained, "I don't want to...ummm, what did you ask me?"
ABC's New "Bachelorette" Season To Feature All Lesbian Cast
In an effort to shake up the series, ABC has announced that next season's "Bachelorette" will be "100% women & 100% lesbians". Subaru, Levi's, and Timberland have been signed as exclusive sponsors.
White House holds high-level meeting over security threat
Also, President Obama's shrinking poll numbers.
Mystery virus now in 11 states
Specialist: "We're still studying it, but all patients want to do is get their hands on a Louise Penny or a Christie Classic and go to bed and read."