Does wine drinking protect against depression?
Only for the next few hours, you'll be happy as a lark!
Syria, U.S. one step closer to potential confrontation
"U.S. takes one step back because President Obama didn't ask congress "May I?" until break. Meanwhile Syria rushing goods out of Country, hiding weapons,scattering troops.
Experimental Driverless Car Blown to Bits
Turkey Trot, Ark. turned out to be a bad choice for car makers & inventors to test their new driverless cars. A group of possum hunters saw the driverless car & opened fire. "We thunk it was hainted."
Kids Working Small Factories Report Law Officers
"Those are OUR kids", says parent. "And they are making extra bullets for our arsenal. You police need a few?
There's more elections next year.
No wonder people aren't voting. We have elections every six months it seems. I don't see why we couldn't all stand outside in the open and let Google see us hold up our hands.
We Wear Guns To Church
Well, not all of us. But just in case of a jihad, we are ready. You have to be careful not to disturb people during services so we all have silencers on them.
US Farmers Upset
"What's wrong with selling milk direct? We sold it and drunk it like that for 250 years. These stupid new rules are utter nonsense!"
Lamar Odom Arrested on LA Freeway
Police tell him he's under arrest for DUI. "Never took the stuff. I don't need that muscle-helper! That's for them bikers and such, you know, Louie Armstrong."
Marijuana Ruling Could Signal End of Prohibition on Pot
Good. Make room for some home grown hemp for farmers to plant and sell for clothing, etc.
Obama Considering 'Limited, Narrow' Syria Action
"You know. We could make a show of it with cherry bombs, turn loose a few drones, sparklers dropped from planes."
British PM says understands, supports Obama position on Syria
Vote was all about politics, not about innocent people being gassed to death.
Those Sad Songs Do So Much
If that song "Rag Doll" by Frankie Valli & the Four Seasons always makes you cry, do like I do and change it to "Drag Moll" in your head.
President Obama Wins Pulitizer Prize
For 32-page booklet of limericks about NYC Mayoral candidate, Anthony Weiner!
Magic Stores Top Employee's Secret
Guy who works at magic store has learned to quickly move as boss does, by watching him closely and standing right behind him. "Now where did he go? Amazing!"
Alabama Dog Fight Out of Control
Big Pit Bull kills opponent, then opponent's owner, wife and anybody that faintly looks or smells like owner.
Big Change in the Number of Sales
Flea Markets Pass Target, beginning to gain on Costco and WalMart!
President Passes Another Illegal Immigrant Bill
Illegals now allowed to carry concealed weapons without any training.
Government Approves Some Pot Sales
So Gas Stations will have signs for prices of gas, diesel, cigarettes, pot and "Don't Smoke & Drive" ads!
Grammys to be Investigated
After Miley Cyrus nominated for Lifetime Achievement Award.
Astronomers Say Meteor Might Hit Earth in 2020
Bank mortgage companies issue only short term, six year financing.
Moose Lodge Suffers Damage After Moose Somehow Gets In
Member of "Polar Bear Club" eaten by a polar bear!
New York Mayor At It Again
Bloomberg now proposes to make farting illegal in New York City. City Officials pass their reply in raspberries!
The weather Channel is warning officials that having something called a "Dust Bowl" in December/January not a good idea.
Bottles of Acetaminophen To Have 'Contains Tylenol' on labels!
Bottles of Extra Strength Tylenol will soon have a new warning on their caps: "Contains acetaminophen. Always read the label"
President Barack Obama said that the United States "should take military action against Syrian targets."
"We have already let them know what we plan so this is for show! Makes us look good....Is my mike on?"
Can music stave off dementia?
As long as you don't keep playing, "They're Coming To Take Me Away!Ha Ha Hee Hee".
Neighbor's Kid Claims Meth Better Than Actual Vacation!
"You could wreck your car, crash in a plane. This is better." Actually, friends say he looks like he's been through both!
Report: Patriots cut Tebow
"They cut have just let me go", says Tebow. "But getting cut can really hurt."
Some Days You're The Bug!
Man accused of threatening 'to behead' Congresswoman arrested in Mexico without head.
Syria: Do-nothing-Dave still wants a robust response...whats stopping you cobber,grab yourself a body bag and a one way ticket!
written by Herrdoktorfox, 31 August 2013
Massive Yosemite blaze may have been sparked by illegal marijuana growers
Suspicions come after all firefighters laughing their heads off all during fire fighting.
Charles Bronson:Supporters want him freed.....strewth, I thought be was dead...what next dig up Michael Winner and make Death Wish 9?
written by Herrdoktorfox, 31 August 2013
Rescued When Pigs Fly!
After crash of Northwest Airlines in mountain range, passengers find two big fat pigs had been flying plane. "Talk about good luck", says passenger! All safely at home. Pilot, Co-pilot still missing.
Local Man Has Fun!
"So I lost my car playing the slots. It was two-years old anyway. I had a really fun time in Vegas. Who needs a car in Nebraska anyway? Got two good legs."
After Several Hours All Aglow On The Plane
Plane believed to be carrying UN weapons inspectors from Syria arrives in the Netherlands. You could see glow in the dark.
Obama ramps up pitch to lawmakers with fresh briefings
President stopped to change into fresh briefings after losing control of bowels after hearing the huge amount of chemicals in Syria.
FBI Scrutinizes Syrians in U.S. for Signs of Retaliation
"Scrutinized? What's that mean?" ask Americans of Syrian descent. "It doesn't sound good to me. Tell them we are not gay."
Syria says US evidence 'entirely fabricated' #2
Made from thin curtains, trying to blanket the whole situation and make us muslin the bad guys...Muslims be the bad guys. Making up situation out of whole cloth. (Who wrote this? Have them beheaded).
110th Middle East Peace Plan not Going Well
"Stupid Jews here won't give up all their land for free land in New Jersey!"
Band Annoucement From Stage
"We're gonna finish up here soon folks, but you all stick around for a fireworks show like none you've ever seen! Joe here found these hidden in a mountain in Utah!"
Mel Gibson Argues DUI Arrests
"If I', going to be judged by my peers, your Honor. I demand a jury of 12 drunken, prejudiced a-holes!"
Texas Man Having Trouble Adjusting, Very Emotional
After 20-year-comma, he cries over everything, say doctors. "He cried over the loss of Saddam Hussein for a week. I hate to tell him we killed Bin Laden. We're checking on any lost relatives now."
True sayings of the Mystic
As the Dalai Lama always points out: Medication THEN Meditation!
It's Joe Again, Mr. President
At press conference, Joe Biden was asked "Will Obama get us into the same mess George Bush did after 911?" Joe: "What happened? What's all this about a 911? Nobody ever tells me anything."
Latest On The Stars
Mick Jagger gaining on Keith Richards as ugliest rock star still trying to sing.
Newly-Wed Couple Confide
"Unless that couple upstairs from us have a trampoline for exercise or it's their bed that jarring the ceiling. Either way, there's no way we can compete."
Donald Trump Claims He Knows Exactly Ho to Bring World Peace
However, he has yet to discover how he can make a load of money out of it.
Big Shot Executive Describes Everything As "Crisp" and "Spot On"
Executive Tom Steele requires "crisp" reports. His underlings hope to receive the "spot on" comment for a job well done. Everyone in the his organization is trying to use these key words more often.
written by Moe Nightwalker, 31 August 2013
Putin Rejects Syria Weapons Accusations as 'Utter Nonsense'
Most nations say that is a sure sign that Syria has chemical weapons up the wazoo as Putin almost always lies.
Iraq protesters rail against lawmaker pensions
Afghans protest that there is nothing to protest against right at the present time!
International weapons experts leave Syria, U.S. prepares attack
VP Joe Biden asked, "Haven't they had plenty of time to move troops, weapons?" "We knew that. So we have a perfect excuse if we hit the chemical weapons by mistake."
Joe Biden Foot in Mouth Again
"Those released documents were fake. We do not have armed satellites in space. Besides, Russia and China have them up there too!"
Documents Detail US War in Cyberspace
Also, all the details about United States "unarmed" satellites!
Syria says US evidence 'entirely fabricated'
They used a bunch of actors and made the whole think up with a professional video. Obama is the Hollywood favorite.
Farting for England
"Hear, I reckon I can fart louder than you" cried British Opposition Leader David Miliband as he released an excruciatingly smelly one while answering questions this week in the House of Commons.
written by whatinthe world, 31 August 2013
Keith Richards Says He's Had Enough
"I have taken all the crap I'm going to over my looks. I have been a good sport. But to wake up and find them trying to carbon date me is the last straw! Date Jagger and add 2."
Joe Biden Gives Reasons He Won't Run in 2016!
Number one: He finally realized he didn't have a chance against the Ralph Nader juggernaut.
Miss Arkansas Walks Out of Miss USA Contest Over Mean Questioning
Aren't there any other girls in your state they could have sent?
Pope not always unfailable, Says Pope Francis
"Though I do pretty good, I sometimes miss some of the questions on Jeopardy!"
The Woman From RPattz Past
Rob Pattinson was asked if he ever misses his ex-girlfriend Kristen Stewart. RPattz grinned and asked, "Kristen who?"
Johnny Depp Is Still Reeling From His Last Motion Picture
Johnny Depp has said that after the tremendous beating that his recent western The Lone Ranger took at the box office he never wants to see another horse, teepee, or buckskin underwear.
Miley Cyrus Loves To Push The Envelope
The inventor of the foam finger is fit to be tied due to Miley Cyrus using his invention to touch her crotch region during her MTV Music Video Awards performance.
Nadya Suleman's Amazing Crush
Nadya Suleman alias Octomom who has 14 children says if Anthony Weiner wasn't already married she'd like to have his baby.
Ryan Seacrest Reveals Who He Wants The Third American Idol Judge To Be
Ryan Seacrest says he'd like to see the third American Idol judges chair filled by Bob Dylan.
Mr. and Mrs. Joey Fatone Are Dancing To Divorce Court
Former 'NSYNC singer Joey Fatone and his wife Kelly are getting a divorce after an 8 year marriage. Apparently Mrs. Fatone took the words to the 'NSYNC song "Bye, Bye, Bye" quite literally.
Lindsay Lohan Says 'No' To Visiting North Korea
After hearing that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un shot one of his ex-girlfriends, Lindsay Lohan says she is immediately cancelling her scheduled trip to Pyongyang.
Lamar Odom Explains His DUI
Lamar Odom says that his DUI arrest was not because he was under the influence of drugs or alcohol but from happiness due to getting away from the Kardashian Klan.
Mrs. Ted Nugent Sure Picked A Fine Hiding Place
Ted Nugent's wife, Shermane Ann Nugent, was arrested at Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport when airport security opened up her suitcase and found a handgun tucked into one of her bras.
MTV Music Video Awards Viewers Did Not Care For Miley Cyrus' Foam Finger Antics
Miley Cyrus' crude and lewd foam finger and tongue performance at the MTV Music Video Awards has managed to even out gaga Lady Gaga.