Computer Says No

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Monday, 27 February 2023

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You Cannot Prove Yourself, Therefore You Are Not

My computer asked me the other day if I was human. And then it gave me a test for me to prove myself human.

I took a pen and a piece of paper and scribbled a test for the computer for it to prove to me that it was a computer.

It refused to take the test! I was yelling and yelling at it and it wouldn’t even squeak a peep at me! The insolence! The neighbors were banging on the door asking me if I was okay and what was wrong. (If that’s not proof that I exist …)

I refused to do its test so it locked me out of … well, it. I cannot use my computer now until I can do its test and prove my humanity to it.

This is not something that concerns those in charge of our nations. Computers are good, not evil. They can never be evil. “2001:A Space Odyssey” is just a movie. Driverless cars have never killed anybody who didn’t deserve it. Soon, all police cars will be their own police officers and arrest and detain anyone found unable to prove their humanity to said computerized car. And the actual depleted human police force will be at the base ordering more popcorn shrimp and low-fat grease burgers and lite beer from Skip the Dishes.

Your toaster may lead to your arrest. All will be criminals in the near future, except for those who can reprogram a computer to identify someone as human, even a toaster. The toaster is now in charge of my life and I have to do its tests in order to get back into my apartment.

Thank you, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs and all you fucking computer nerds for making our world “better”. Does Bill’s house need him to prove he’s human before it opens his door? Does Steve’s grave allow him to rot in accordance with environmental laws, and if he doesn’t, will the grave kick out the corpse?

Are we all just corpses to computers? You may only “freely” answer yes or no, and show your proof.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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