Palm Tree, Florida—In God-forsaken Palm Tree, an unincorporated town nestled in the Everglades, Jackie Tripper “went ballistic,” her husband Jack told The Spoof, when she saw "an honest-to-God dinosaur.”
“Jackie had just dropped acid while watching Jurassic Park" with her children, 44-year-old Bronto and 39-year-old Saurus, when she spied one of the prehistoric beasts “scratching at the back door.”
When asked what she did (beside scream), Jackie said, “I did what any self-respecting mother would do to protect her babies from a Velociraptor: I called the Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission [FWC].”
Animal handlers identified the “Velociraptor” as a six-foot-long cow.. Unfortunately, the bovine beast escaped before the terrified handlers could capture it.
“I was hiding behind a tree,” admitted FWC commissioner Ralph Smith, who asked to remain anonymous, “waiting to ambush it.”
The creature was faster than anyone expected.
“I thought dinosaurs were cold-blooded, slow-witted, and clumsy,” Smith said. “Boy, was I wrong!”
Authorities attempted to track the beast, but the hunting dogs they used for this purpose went missing near the lake in which the FWC believes the monster took refuge.
“After the bloodhounds disappeared, that thing looked like it was pregnant with a litter of babies-to-be,” Jackie said, “but I bet it was them hounds it ate, just like it wanted to eat my kids and me.”
She said she had “no idea” how a creature from the Jurassic Period ended up in her backyard, “but I wish it would go back home; it's scary.” Her children, she said, are too afraid to swim in the family's pool “when there's a damn dinosaur living in our backyard.”
Police have issued an all-points bulletin concerning the cow.
“We plan to charge it with trespassing and creating a public nuisance,” Police Chief Flora Duh said. Meanwhile, she has a word of advice for Jackie Tripper: “Stop dropping acid, and you'll most likely stop seeing Velociraptors where everybody else is seeing Guernseys.”