Be it resolved that I, the QAnon Shaman who stormed the United States Capitol, while carrying a spear and wearing horns, hereby decree the rules of the House of Representatives from my prison cell:
1. Shouting into a bullhorn will henceforth replace speaking into a microphone. Congresspersons who misplace or forget to carry a bullhorn will fight for one with a spear.
2. C-SPAN will no longer broadcast the House proceedings. Americans will instead tune into live commentary from Anderson Cooper and Andy Cohen, America’s favorite New Year’s Eve anchors, who will be allowed to drink while narrating the play-by-play of House events. After midnight, America’s favorite movie “The Shawshank Redemption” will play on repeat until morning.
3. The Buffer brothers, America’s favorite boxing and UFC ring announcers, will open each House debate with the lines, “Let’s Get Ready To Rumble” and “It’s Time!” Upon the Majority and Minority leaders’ entrance to the chamber, the Buffer brothers will refer to the leaders as the “welterweight champions” from either the Red or Blue corners. These announcements will replace the House prayer.
4. Points will determine House committee assignments. Top Point-Getters will receive gavels. The lowest Point-Getters will be referred to as the Biggest Losers.
5. Pizza will be served every day at noon in the House cafeteria to remember the child trafficking and ritual murders at the Comet Ping Pong pizzeria.
6. JFK Jr. will act as the new House Clerk. He will count the Yeas and Nays and keep the House in order.
7. Bleach, also known as Miracle Mineral Solution, will be served in wine glasses. Hydroxychloroquine tablets will be served on appetizer plates.
8. The House Judiciary will investigate shapeshifting reptilian humanoids, also known as lizard persons.
9. Party Whips will actually carry whips.
10. Congresspersons will defecate on the House floor and smear feces on the walls on Fun Fridays.
11. House aides will do their own research and follow all signs of white rabbits. Aides will refer to themselves as Bakers who assemble Crumbs to make Dough. Don’t ask.
12. The rapper Ye will close each House proceeding with an uncensored rant, followed by a bullhorn drop.
Long live America.
