Rumble in Da Jungle House of Reps

Funny story written by Ana Sian

Saturday, 7 January 2023

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An Illegal Hold in Politics! Why Won't the Ref Stop This Democracy?!

Welcome to Madison Square Garden and the World Wrestling Federation’s No-Holds-Barred, Cage Match, Hammer-Slammer – oops, no wait, sorry …

Welcome to ring side here on the floor of the House of Representatives!

And it’s a solid and hilarious farce watching the GOP trying to elect one of their own. (Katie Porter is reading a book … which speaks silent words louder than filibusters.)

Matt Gaetz is holding his own, arms crossed, not looking at Kevin McCarthy … and McCarthy is on the top rope about to use his patented armlock on Gaetz!

But Gaetz comes out swinging! He’s using his famous head butt – and MY GOD what a head!

Marjorie Taylor Greene jumps into the ring wearing nothing but gym leggings and a sports bra – she’s flying high and coming down on McCarthy with her “Greene Machine” nipple twister!

Oh, that’s gotta hurt!

And it’s Nosferatu himself, Paul Gosar, pulling something out of his trunks – where’s the ref – why’s he being distracted by Josh Hawley – oops, nope, Josh just ran out of the room – that guy is fast!

Goser is doing his famous move, the Gosar Grinder! With a pair of brass knuckles in hand, he is grinding Gaetz’s immense forehead – really slicing and dicing that thing, but the referee doesn’t think it’ll make a dent so he’s not calling it as an illegal move. (Boy oh Boy, do politicians love to break laws and see if anyone catches them.)

And wait! What’s this? Lauren Boebert – the Boebertinator – has tightened her skin-tight jeans to clamp her thighs around Gosar’s pencil neck! And he looks like he’s loving it!

Now it’s Jim Jordan in wrestling tights grabbing every male he can find between their legs, checking to make sure their penis are intact – we think this is what he’s doing – trying to flip them onto their backs – and denying he saw or did anything bad – and now he just got a boner from looking at a picture of Doctor Fauci! (Why won’t those two get married … if only one of them believed in same-sex marriage ...)

This is a donnybrook! This is pure anarchy! This is American politics? We haven’t seen this kind of corruption since the Saudi royal king pretended he didn’t assassinate nobody noway nohow.

The floor has erupted in mass chaos! The voting has stalled (but for other reasons), and there’s blood on the pristine royal blue carpet!

This looks like the Jan 6th insurrection (they’ve had practice), but it’s just politics as usual in America.

Turn the channel. And now for a 12-hour marathon Discovery Channel show of maggots feasting on the heads of cows.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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