McCarthy Elected House Weaker

Funny story written by Mike Peril

Saturday, 7 January 2023

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McCarthy Takes the Gavel from Pelosi

After fifteen rounds, Kevin McCarthy was elected House Speaker. And he couldn’t be more elated.

“McCarthyism is back,” he yelled to Republican supporters in the House. “In deference to the late Barbara Walters, let’s face it, she’d say I’m House Weaker. But what’s worse, giving out concessions or making a concession speech?”

McCarthy credited newcomer George Santos with converting fourteen votes in later rounds. “He took a bunch of guys aside and lied with them. I mean lied to them. Or whatever. Maybe his last name should be Boehner. Man that guy is sorely missed.”

Santos was so good at converting votes McCarthy gave him his honorary whip for later use. “Periwinkle sweaters, we’re all going to wear them now. So proud.”

McCarthy noted that getting elected Speaker is like going through the NFL draft. “We all know that all the quality guys come out in later rounds.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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