Ice Cream Maker Brought Vagina Cream Mainstream

Funny story written by Erickson 2

Tuesday, 9 March 2021

image for Ice Cream Maker Brought Vagina Cream Mainstream
Vagina Cream Swirl treat

The Great British Ice Cream Company food scientists explain how they created the new vulva Phish Food flavor by unlocking the secrets to their Vagina Cream Swirl.

Male and lesbian customers were nothing but grateful when The Great British Ice Cream Company debuted its inaugural vagina flavor in 2021. We were even more appreciative of the recent additions such as Non-Dairy London & Chill’d and “Milk” & Cookies. However, the taste of these fabulous flavors kept us wanting more, and longing for a vulva Phish Food intensified.

Back in 2019, the company told a Gay News editor that this particular flavor presented a formidable hurdle: Vagina Cream Swirl. Ever loyal to its fans, The Great British Ice Cream Company's dedicated flavor gurus set to work on the problem, and soon, they prevailed. Curious as to why Vagina Cream Swirl proved so challenging, we interviewed one of the food scientists behind this new flavor, Natalia Banghur.

Here’s everything you need to know about the delicious science behind Vagina Cream Swirl.

Benny and the Jetts, a group of male samplers, at a public tasting booth said, "Vagina Cream Swirl smells like vagina and taste slightly salty with the flavor of soothing milk cream."

The delightful treats are synthesized from the real pheromones and secretion of a real vagina. Its essentially water, sugar, and proteins—so what’s not to like? These ingredients provide the artificial secretions and vulva smell identical to vagina and the scrumptious, gooey texture is beyond expectations when swirled into frozen cream.

Unfortunately, some women are not to thrilled over the new flavor while The Great British Ice Cream Company's marketing executives corner a new market among lonely teen males who are epicurious. It's made from collagen extracted from animal skin and ligaments (typically from cow and pig vaginas). Due to this cruel ingredient, Vagina Cream Swirl isn't even vegetarian.

While The Great British Ice Cream Company Vagina Cream Swirl is a triumph, this ice cream company isn’t the first to sell this confection. "Daddy Pops," Gwyneth Paltrow's orgasm-scented icecream bars is the most accessible commercial vagina dessert in the US, and it was the first vagina brand taste to become non-GMO certified. The classic Paltrow variety hit the shelves—in direct competition with Vagina Cream Swirl. Since then, Paltrow's pumped out copyright free, seasonal flavors such as Jolie's Peppermint Clit and Brittany's Pumpkin Spice Orgasmic Fascination.

Banghura explained the development process to create shelf-stable vagina brands:

“Our biggest hurdle was that there wasn’t a guidebook for how to make a vagina icecream that’s stable enough to have a long shelf life with quality natural ingredients. We literally had to re-envision the entire process for making the vagina flavor from the ground up to do what we wanted to do."

The pillowy, sweet Vagina Cream Swirl, so many have grown to love via the original Phish Food is different from traditional shelf-stable icecream because it contains an unlikely ingredient: real vagina chemistry. Banghur explained that the process of synthesizing this ingredient was tedious, as the team had to “go back to the drawing board” several times. They were determined to produce something that was as close to a real vagina as possible, but mass-producing this was an issue, particularly during the pandemic.

“We’d test out different swirls via video calls!” Banghur said. “We also did a lot of sampling using real women in our own mixers at home.”

Banghur informed us about “swirl technology,” which involves specific machinery used to crank out pint after pint. She noted, “What worked in small batches in our kitchen doesn’t always translate when we go to make it in larger batches. Once we nailed that down, then comes the easy part—we let the technology do the rest.”

Now The Great British Ice Cream Company has cracked the code on the endless possibilities, our minds immediately jump to other vagina flavors waiting to be released. There’s the Chocolate Labia Jazz It, Gimme S’more Asian Menstration!, Mrs Swedish Trail Mix Bunghole, and French Minter Alice in Wonderland.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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