Thinking of changing careers? Hungry for the spotlight? Why not consider politics? It’s not as difficult as you think. Just follow these few simple steps:
YOU NEED A SLOGAN! First, you need a slogan. Remember to keep it short, so that people with poor memories won’t fluff it. Four or five words should do it. Second, make it catchy. It doesn’t need to make any sense, as long as it’s catchy. Something like, “Make America Hungry Again” or “Science Is For Sissies”. Then you can have a Chinese company manufacture a gazillion hats displaying the initials of your slogan and sell them to your supporters at a 400% markup.
YOU NEED ALLIES IN THE MEDIA. The best way to gain allies in the media is to say something controversial. That means you never EVER say anything that is politically correct. Instead, antagonize people, stir them up! Savvy media personalities know that audiences are tired of bland personalities who tell them about boring things like facts: they depend upon this to earn incomes of millions of dollars. They know that people want to be entertained. The more controversial you are, the more people in the media will be talking about you! And don’t worry about being consistent - in fact, just the opposite: if you constantly contradict yourself you’ll be talked about all of the time! You’ll be the new media darling.
DON’T BE POLITE. Make up stupid nicknames for your political opponents and any reporters who say bad things about you. Call them “nasty” and misrepresent what they stand for.
To learn more about this fantastic opportunity, simply fill out the attached application form and mail it along with your check for $399.99 to Trump. U., c/o The Mara Lago Resort, 1300 Ocean Blvd., South Palm Beach, FL 33439. You will receive a free copy of the Handbook for Would-Be Politicians. Don’t delay!
