"I was born in old New York, in a small town high-rise apartment condo. My momma always said, 'Life is like a box of chocolates. You've got to eat them all before some low life takes them off you.'
"When I was at school, I had to wear leg braces, on account of my bone spurs. I never could walk proper. My pop hated me for wearing them. The only time he ever spoke to me was on my eighth birthday, when he said, 'If you take off them damn braces, I'll give you all my property worth 400 million dollars, and I'll teach you to be a real shit just like me.'
"Well, I was so happy that my poppa finally spoke to me that I took them braces off right there and then. Of course, my bone spurs never got corrected, but I got my inheritance. My brother drank himself to death because of that. What a loser!
"I wasn't too good at school, but that was OK. My pop taught me how to pay other people to take exams for me, and before I knew it, I was in Wharton School of Finance, where I learned all about how to make money by declaring bankrupcy and not paying any taxes.
"About that time, the Vietnam war started. Well, I sure as heck wasn't going to get involved with all those suckers who got sent over there. So I paid one of my pop's cleaners, a large black man called Bubba, to go to Vietnam in my place. That boy got shot to pieces, which made me realise how lucky I was that I didn't go. What a sucker!
"About that time, I started to get interested in women, but they never liked me. I used to grab them by the pussy as a greeting, but they would usually run off. Then my friend Jeffrey Epstein told me that he had an island where I could meet young women who would do anything I wanted. But I won't talk about that for legal reasons.
"I also found that Eastern European trophy wives would do almost anything I wanted to, as long as I paid them. So I married Ivana Trump. I forget her old surname. She looked just like her daughter Ivanka, so hot.
"That was after my pop died, and I took over the family business. Pop had made property management look so much like hard work, but it was easy. All I did was sit on my fat ass and wait for the rent checks to roll in. I made so much money that I built myself a casino, but that went bankrupt, and I had to close it down.
"I started putting my name on my own buildings too, to get more attention. And I got divorced and married a younger woman.
"About that time, some angry Arab men flew aeroplanes into the twin towers in New York. It was a sad day, for most people. But not for me. I celebrated because it meant I had the tallest skyscraper in the whole city.
"Then I built another casino, but it went bankrupt. So I got divorced again and married a younger woman.
"Then some TV executives came up to me and asked if I'd like to present a reality TV show where I would get to put business people through various tasks. I said, 'Yes, as long as I get to show people what a real shit I am. I wanna say "You're fired" to them when they lose.' And they agreed.
"So 'The Apprentice' was born. It was the greatest show on TV. And I was content.
"But then America voted in a black man as president, and I couldn't stand for that.
"'There must be some way we can get rid of him,' I said. 'I know, I'll start a conspiracy that he wasn't born in America.' So I began my political career based on hatred of Obama.
"Then one day someone said to me, 'You should run for president.' And I thought, 'Why not?' There hadn't ever been anyone like me as president before. And there must be a lot of perks in it for me too.
"It was real easy to get elected. All I had to do was stir up poor folks' hatred of immigrants and liberal elites and Mexicans, and that was it.
"So now I'm president, I can finally relax. I get to play golf every weekend, and I can organise rallies any time I want, where I can just shout whatever is on my mind and people cheer at it. It sure is fun.
"I don't think I'd ever want to give up this job. It's what I was born to do. Just enjoying myself without a care in the world."