Microbes on Venus claim 'No Intelligent Life on Earth'

Funny story written by Doubting Thomas

Thursday, 17 September 2020

image for Microbes on Venus claim 'No Intelligent Life on Earth'
Earth, yeah, went there once. It's a shithole

After the recent announcement that chemicals in the atmosphere of Venus might signify the presence of life, we at The Spoof managed to launch a space mission to the planet, in order to interview our new alien neighbors. We didn't base this on an old trailer and a couple of leftover fireworks (honest!)

What follows is our interview conducted via radio telescope and isn't in the least made up

Q: How do you cope in an atmosphere made entirely of Sulfuric Acid and Carbon Dioxide?
A: Well, we get by. It's a bit like living in LA, but without the noxious fumes.

Q: Is it true that the surface of the planet is inhospitable and hot enough to boil lead?
A: Yes, it can be a bit unpleasant but it's nowhere near as toxic as what you Earthlings call 'Twitter'.

Q: Do you consider yourselves more advanced than us?
A: Well we don't elect blond village idiots as leaders, so, yes, we do.

Q: What was your biggest mistake as a civilization?
A: We did watch the BBC and Fox News a few times. That was a really big mistake!

Q: Is there a god?
A: Yes, and his name is Clapton, but we also think this entity known as Shatner might be getting close. We also have the great book of Willis where it is written "Yippekayah, motherfucker". We don't know what it means, but it sounds cool.

Q: Is there anything about Earth you DO like?
A: Well, you had potential, but that big fuck off monolith two million years ago didn't drop any hints, did it? We do quite like that you respect the mentally ill under the name "politicians". We have tried to help out in the past, but it never worked.

Q: Yeah, about that. Are the abductions and anal probes really necessary?
A: You lot seem to like it. You even have 'discerning' websites for that sort of thing. We remember that "Batwoman" crap. Are you guys really that fucked up about lesbians in leather outfits?/i]

Q: Do you have any advice for us?
A: Yeah, give up. You're so dumb, you can't even figure out what sex you are. We've seen your Hollywood, Facebook and SJWs. The army of Nuclear Death Robots is on its way..

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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