NFL Bends A Knee...And Dooms The Planet Earth

Funny story written by Stefano M. Stefano

Friday, 21 August 2020

"All hail the Great and Almighty Solar King of the Universe, The Great and Awesome and Wise and Very, Very Dangerous, Zaxxorg The Third! Citizens of the smelly planet Earth, I have seen you kneel down to my awesome power and accept your unconditional surrender! All hail your new planetary ruler, the Great and Almighty Solar King of the Universe, Zaxxorg The Third!"

At least, that was how it was supposed to proceed.

"This is such a drag!" Zaxxorg The Third complained to the assorted reporters from around the world. "And may I add, kinda bloody embarrassing! I got so many mixed messages from you stinky humanoids that I thought I was coming here to rule over your nothing lives! And now I find out it was all a misunderstanding? Well, that just sucks nebulas!"

Zaxxorg and his space fleet of 30,809,223 war saucers arrived on Earth on Tuesday, but were shocked to discover that not only was the welcome mat not left out for his impressive invasion forces, but it was the actions of us poor ham and eggers that prompted Zaxxorg's alien fleet to set foot on this, the third rock from the Sun.

"When I saw your sports teams from the NFL, Major League Baseball, and others 'take a knee' as it's called, I assumed you icky humans were kneeling in anticipation of my vast and obvious greatness! Not to protest changes in your nutty society!"

"Then I thought you wanted to go to war with my ridiculously, hilariously, superior war saucer fleet, what with all your goofy wars over land boundaries and cute little hydrogen bombs, and transmit all those offensive Tik Tok videos in my direction!" the would be galactic ruler complained. "I had armed my B.O. Bombs intended for London, Paris, and Cleveland; I had loaded my Stale Cheese Encrustation Cannon that was going to solidify stinky cheese on top of Moscow, Tokyo, and Saskatoon; and I was going to release my most devastating weapon, The Maximum Robotic Size Infinite Mega-Big Shoe Stomping Device! I was going to use my super-giant Shoe to step on you like the pitiful insects that you are!"

"I was all set to go to war and then you loonies started goofing off with things like the Tide Pod Challenge and spending millions of your paper and coin currency on Fidget Spinners, spending $10.83 on a Whopper combo at Burger King in Canada, and then I just felt sorry for you."

As Zaxxorg packed his war bags and entered his aircraft carrier-sized shuttlecraft to leave the insignificant blue marble that we call 'Earth', microphones picked up his final grumblings;

"And I had it all planned! I was going to trick them with this really neat book! They were going to be so suckered into believing me! Especially with a cool title like 'To Serve Man'!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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