Two Lechers

Funny story written by Charles Havers

Wednesday, 6 May 2020

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Lechers have occupied the oval office from time to time throughout U.S. history—Harding, Johnson, and Clinton are just some of the names that come to mind. For the first time in U.S. history, however, two old roués, both of whom are showing signs of serious cognitive decline, will be vying for the presidency. Obviously, one of them is going to win, and, according to Dr. Siegfried Olds, a Harvard gerontologist, what’s going to go first, is “the filter”.

Olds has been to this movie before: He has studied male cognitive decline for years and defines a dirty old man as “just a lech who’s losing it.” Normally, this process plays out in the privacy of the individual’s home or in a memory unit where the individual can be supervised. In this case, the unraveling is going to be very public. Going forward, the President’s handlers will undoubtedly do their best to limit his public appearances, but he’ll have to appear in public from time to time; when that happens, his leering, touching, and grabbing will make it clear that the president is a dirty old man, and his handlers—who are adept at explaining away almost anything the president does—won’t have any excuses.

According to Olds, it’s going to end up with the twenty-fifth amendment being invoked for the first time in history, and result in President Trump or President Biden being removed from office. Unfortunately, this process will not be as quick as Americans might think. A majority of the president’s senior officers and vice president can initiate the process and strip the president of his powers in very short order, but, if the president objects, two-thirds of both houses need to confirm the decision. According to Olds, neither Biden nor Trump is going to go willingly. “The sense of entitlement is one of the last things to go.”

Olds notes that all this would be great material for a Shakespearian comedic tragedy, but we’ll have to settle for whatever CNN, Fox News, and Saturday Night Live give us.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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