Illuminati to Focus on World Finance Domination

Funny story written by Zabdgrov667

Saturday, 28 March 2020

image for Illuminati to Focus on World Finance Domination
Illuminati Laugh at Obama for Thinking He Runs a Government (Dec 2012)

AUSTIN, TEXAS - The Illuminati are giving up on "Political Intrigue", because they are sick and tired of the "f*cking incompetence" which is rampant among ALL politicians. Keeping their focus on control of the Financial Markets, the Banks, and Investment Vectors appears to be the way global-scale megalomaniacs can expect to accomplish any measure of increased manipulation of the "ignorant, unwashed human masses".

Some say that the arrival of "Cthulhu" in the American White House has destroyed the chances of dozens of New World Order conspiracies for at least four years, and possibly all the way to the year 2056. Others are blaming the CIA for a never-ending use of Mind-Control Technology, which turned much of the political landscape into a field of morons, lunatics, and gullible "Rainbow-Butterfly-Unicorn Idealists".

Joe Biden (former VP) is a good example of one of the Washington DC politicians that had his brain removed too many times. While it may be true that the Space Aliens in Area 51 always "put the brains back" after conducting experiments on the politicians, and teaching Mind-Control classes to new CIA recruits, there were more than a couple of times when a brain fell on the floor. An agent, who subcontracted subversive jobs at an Illuminati branch office, described the problems which come with the constant "remote-control" use on humans.

"X" (St. Moritz, Switzerland): "Using a lot of hand-sanitizer when you pick up a politician's brain is understandable. However, the effects of having the skull cavity half-full of hand-sanitizer is sure to cause some degree of mental impairment. Of course, members of Congress and other high-ranking government officials like the VP, have to sign a waiver which nullifies any Claim of Liability Against The Illuminati, as part of being allowed into the Washington DC power structure.

Global Control of Money as the Answer....

Approximately 80% of Stock Market Trades are issued by computers. Artificial Intelligence (AI) dominates finance, and the more that human influence is removed from banking and finance, the easier it is for Secret Societies to accumulate vast amounts of "Dark Money." Bilderberg Group protocols and Trilateral Commission standards are everywhere now, since "Too Big to Fail" and the "Stimulus" of 2009.

Of course, politicians of every party affiliation gladly assist anyone who gives them several million dollars for the campaigns which let them control tax-payer money. Although many political favors to globalist elites require a bureaucratic @ss-F*CKing of the working citizens who could never afford $1000 or more to buy special treatment from a Federal agency, Democrats in Congress are "On Strike" until they get everything Hillary Clinton promised them.

In recent years, many Globalist Billionaire Elitists have built lavish underground bunkers. A large number of people outside of Washington DC see the $11 TRILLION Crash of the US Stock Market as the direct result of Washington DC seeking absolute power. We don't know how many politicians have been promised shelter in multi-million dollar bunkers, stocked with champagne and any other necessity. However, there is no way corporations could give any money to political campaigns if they cease to exist, because 99.5% the US Stock Market would be obliterated.

In November of 2008, George Soros was extremely proud of "Buying the US Federal Government", even though $1 TRILLION was about to disappear in a Deep State Rat-Hole called the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act of 2009 (ARRA). Everyone referred to the Rat-Hole as "The Stimulus", and no one seemed to care that there was no accountability for $787 Billion, with a GOP President (Bush) and a Democrat President (Obama) dancing together gleefully as the deal was made.

CIA Cluster-F*CK of 2016

The "Establishment" (aka. "The DC Swamp") expected the CIA to install Hillary Clinton as ruler over the United States. Unfortunately, "agents" like John Brennan, James Clapper, and James Comey had terrible cases of "Head-Up-the-@SS" syndrome, while Hillary spent more time trying to shake-down wealthy Foreign Interests for boat-loads of cash ... instead of getting Americans to vote for her.

Significant evidence has surfaced to indicate that it was the Illuminati who gave Democrats control of the House of Representatives. Almost 40 Republicans announced their "resignations" in 2018, with the claim "I feel it's time for me to spend more time with my family." Is it a coincidence that the names of wives and children were the only different words for 26 public retirement speeches?

Financial experts believe that the Illuminati has gained TRILLIONS OF DOLLARS since the Democrat "Resistance" came to power in January 2019. Even though the shadow organization known as "The Illuminati" now has enough American dollars to buy most of South America and two-thirds of Africa (nations with vast oil deposits excluded), senior council members feel some "buyer's remorse" at having to associate with the derangement and corrupt depravity which is inherent to the US Congress.

One World Government? ... No F*CKING Chance.

The prerequisite for a "New World Order" is ORDER ... not a Bat-S#!T-Crazy Anarchy Free-for-All. The Democrats and US Media have set the science of propaganda back by a century. They understood "The Big Lie", but their efforts were an Epic Fail when they went up against the Billionaire, World Champion Reality TV Master.

Need more Cognitive Dissonance? ... A Presidential Candidate for the Millennial Eco-Socialists is a Millionaire, with three Mansions, who flies around the nation on Private Jets, and was born before the start of World War II. The Democrat Establishment showed how much respect they have for women by refusing to admit that Tulsi Gabbard (a young, attractive Representative for Hawaii) was a Presidential Candidate, and then changed DNC rules to keep her from getting on a debate stage against two very old, very rich white men.

No War for Oil Because It's Worthless? ... The price of "crude" per barrel was $100, roughly six to ten years ago. When oil costs less than $25, the Mid-East region no longer provides any profit motive to the Military Industrial Complex, or the Globalist "Dark-Money" Agencies and Brokers. Bio-Diesel (vegetable oil, or bacon-grease derivatives) could replace the international role of countries like Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, and Kuwait.


For all the people old enough to remember "12 Monkeys" (1995) with Bruce Willis, or "The Stand" (1994 Mini-Series) from Stephen King’s novel, or "The World's End" (2013) with Simon Pegg ... this flu that came from Wuhan, China is as terrifying as the blue-gray stuff growing on the chicken-something that you left at the back of your refrigerator. Just WASH your damn hands, and DO NOT SNEEZE on people or things.


The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more