No Matter Who Americans Vote For President They Will Be Screwed

Written by mikewadestr

Friday, 7 February 2020

image for No Matter Who Americans Vote For President They Will Be Screwed
Earth just isn't worth it. Let's try Pluto.

According to the major Gallup poll, Giddyup, most Americans feel they will be screwed, regardless of who wins the presidency. The results are as follows:

65 percent of Americans believe the country will be screwed, regardless of who is president, which pertains to both the Democrats and Republicans.

5 percent claimed the president will be a good leader.

10 percent thought the presidential candidates were all contestants on the show America’s Got Talent.

20 percent just wanted to be left alone while they were watching Jeopardy.

“This is bad news all round," lamented political pundit Larry B. Cognoscenti. “People just have no confidence in any of the candidates, and I don’t blame them."

Elizabeth Warren has promised people a lot of free stuff that will be paid for by the rich. She has especially made having free sex with sex workers a high priority in getting the male vote.

“Every red-blooded male… or is that every yellow-blooded male? Well… anyway, they will have free access to sexual therapy with a sex worker.”

“Don’t lament, because the sex workers will be paid in government-backed itcoin, which will be way better than bitcoin."

Bernie Sanders who looks like a raving B-movie mad scientist with his hair on fire, has offered to do away with US currency, and replace it with sand dollars. He also mentioned that all colleges and universities will add a mandatory freshman course called “Fuck You, Rich People!” to their curriculum.

Pete Buttigieg really doesn’t have any platform at all. He just likes to see his face on television.

Joe Biden, on the other hand, just wants people at his rallies to remind him that his name is Joe Biden.

And then there is Donald Trump, who has the most feasible and honest platform. He wants to build a Trump Tower on the Moon, and develop an elevator between it and the Earth.

As of press time, ex-candidate, Cory Booker, was trying to figure out why the house voted to give Donald Trump an I’m peach-ment for his three-year anniversary as president.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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