I Have the Best Words (an excerpt from Trump's Unauthorized Autobiography In His Own Best Words)

Funny story written by Chris Dahl

Friday, 28 February 2020

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I Have the Best Words
Now Available on Amazon
I went to an Ivy League school. I'm highly educated. I know words. I have the best words, I have the best, but there is no better word than stupid. Right
Donald J. Trump


See, the reason I won the most historically huge election victory in the history of not just Western Civilization, but the history of everything, really, was because I have the best words. I won by a lot, like a very great deal of votes, and I would have won by more if those libtard states with all those stupid sanctuary cities had not been letting all those illegals that they practically invite in from those caravans cast their votes. That’s all they’re saying with those sanctuary cities. They’re just saying, “Hey come on in over here, and guess what? You can even vote if you want. Yeah, you can vote in another Che Guevara if you want, another Fidel Castro or even a JFK.” But, still, you know, in spite of those socialist states all over the place, I still ran the most successful campaign, like, ever – in the history of everything. I was reading somewhere that I had even better numbers than Julius Caesar, if you want to go back that far, but you see, back in those days, when they just wore togas and had chariots instead of cars, they didn’t have stuff like Twitter and Facebook, which really helped. I mean imagine if these other guys, like Caesar and Alexander the Great, had Twitter? Or Hitler? Now Hitler would’ve been great with Twitter. He’d never had to leave his Eagle’s Nest, right?
Anyway, when I talked to my friend Roger he said to me, he says, “Look we need a guy like you. I mean, we need you, ‘cause there is no one like you, really. The people are sick of all of this political correctness and all these slick politicians. They want someone who can just tell it like it is. You know, none of these crusty, old politicians can go off-script like you do. They’re nothing without a script. You … you can do it.”
So, I said, “That’s it? You just need me to talk?”
Roger says, “Yeah.”
“I can do that,” I tell him. “I mean, I’m great at that.”
See, in life you have to rely on the past, and that’s called ‘history.’ So, my past, history, is that, well, I'm intelligent. Some people would say I'm very, very, very intelligent. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had to say, ‘Sorry losers and haters, but my I.Q. is one of the highest – and you all know it! Please don’t feel so stupid or insecure, it’s not your fault.' But, it’s true. I’ve had to say that so many times and to so many people. It’s like almost annoying how popular I am. I can’t go anywhere without being spotted. That’s just one thing that made me such a good candidate. You gotta be a little cocky to be in this politics game, right? Yeah. Show me someone with no ego and I'll show you a big loser, you know?
To be blunt, I knew people would vote for me. They just would. Why? Maybe because I'm so good looking. I mean, look at this package. Part of the beauty of me is that I’m very rich, but it’s not just that. The other day I happened to find these old pictures of myself and I’m standing there looking at them and I’m thinking, it’s more than just the physical beauty, right. I mean, it’s the brains, too, but it’s also something else you just can’t put your finger on. I had some beautiful pictures taken in which I had a big smile on my face. I looked happy, I looked content, I looked like a very nice person, which at least in theory I am. Like in reality, who knows? But in theory, I think I might just be a pretty nice guy. Maybe that’s another reason I was so popular with voters. At one point, I could stand in the middle of 5th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn't lose voters. And one other thing I couldn’t help but to think of was how much money I have. I mean, America loves winners, and, say whatever you want, but I’m definitely a winner, no matter what anyone says. Like this guy, Mitt Romney, what a loser. He has a lot to say for a guy who lost, who failed. Let’s look at it in terms of history, you know the past, and you’ll see that I'm the most successful person ever to run for the presidency, by far. Nobody's ever been more successful than me. I'm the most successful person ever to run. George Washington wasn't successful like me. Geez, I mean, he was a farmer. He was in the army for crying out loud. He never built anything. Lincoln? He was so poor he lived in a cabin. What’s a cabin? Like one floor, maybe? And how does a lawyer not make any money. Besides, he’s the one who got shot. I didn’t get shot. So, yeah, it’s history. You could look it up. And Romney - I have a Gucci store that's worth more than Romney. I mean, I built a great company, one of the – some of the – most iconic assets in the world, $10 billion of net worth, more than $10 billion of net worth, and frankly, I had a great time doing it. How’s he gonna run the country if he can’t make any money?
The part I figured out as to how and why I won the most historically great campaign, which led to the lowest unemployment numbers and the world’s greatest economy of all time, was that it wasn’t just that the people – like millions of people – love me so much, but that they also hated those losers I ran against who were so horrible. Terrible Ted Cruz. No one likes him. That guy, he thinks making fun of my hands would work. Yeah, he called my hands small, as if that was true. I have to say this, he hit my hands. Nobody has ever hit my hands. I’ve never heard of this one. Look at those hands. Are they small hands? And he referred to my hands if they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you. And Marco Rubio, I have never seen a human being sweat like that man sweats. It looked like he had just jumped into a swimming pool with his clothes on. And he has really large ears, the biggest ears I’ve ever seen. And Jeb Bush, I described Jeb Bush as a 'low-energy' individual, and unfortunately for him, that stuck. And it's true: he's a low-energy person. That doesn't make him a bad person. Just not as energetic and strong as me, right? Then there’s Crooked Hillary Clinton, or Killary as some might call her, ‘cause of all the people who died during that whole Benghazi thing, from the past too, from history. She was the worst, and that’s part of the reason I beat her by so many votes and why my campaign was completely, totally, historically unique, like no other ever. See, the only card she had is the woman's card. She had nothing else to offer, and frankly, if Hillary Clinton were a man, I don't think she'd get five percent of the vote. The only thing she had going is the woman's card, and the beautiful thing is, women don't like her. That’s the funny thing. Crooked Hillary Clinton is the worst – and biggest – loser of all time. She just can’t stop, which is so good for the Republican Party. I should’ve said: “Hillary, get on with your life and give it another try in three years!” What a loser. Get it?
One of the key problems today is that politics is such a disgrace, good people don't go into government. And this political correctness? What is that even? It’s all over the place, you know? I think another one of my greatest qualities is that I don’t have time for that nonsense. I think the big problem this country has is being politically correct. I've been challenged by so many people, and I don't frankly have time for total political correctness. And to be honest with you, this country doesn't have time either.
Okay, so we needed a slogan, and not anything politically correct. Every great campaign needs a slogan. So, my pal Roger comes up to me one day and says, “Don, you have the best words I think I’ve ever heard, you know? So we need you to come up with a slogan for the campaign, something catchy, something short, sweet, simple and memorable.”
“No problem,” I says. That’s when I came up with the now famous line, probably the most famous campaign slogan of all time. The line of 'Make America Great Again,' the phrase, that was mine, I came up with it about a year before, and I kept using it, and everybody's using it, they all loved it. I don't know, I guess I should copyright it, maybe I have copyrighted it, ‘cause I’m pretty sure that’s where Reagan got the idea for his campaign slogan “Let’s Make America Great Again” from me. I mean, look at it. That’s pretty close, right? Like only a couple of words off. See, it has to be memorable, quick and snappy like Roger said. It has to have backbone and be strong, like ours, not all wimpy and liberal like that Casper Milquetoast, John Kerry, out in what is possibly the worst state in our great land, California. Remember his? “Let America Be America Again.” What a wimp. What does that even mean for cryin’ out loud?
See, I always like to tell it like it is. That’s how I use my words. Granted, when you’re telling the truth, sometimes people aren’t gonna get what you’re saying. They’re gonna twist it and turn it any way they see fit, probably ‘cause they’re haters, right? Like that whole “grab ‘em by the pussy” thing. That was blown way out of proportion. I mean, I’m hearing all this mainstream media bullshit and I’m thinking, yeah I was thinking, “As if you never said anything like that. I mean it’s locker room talk, you know? It was just me talking to another guy, like we would after a game, and they get a hold of it and suddenly I’m this monster. Everybody’s asking me if I’m proud of what I said, so I told them, I says, ‘I’m not unproud.’ I stunned them. Blew their minds. I kind of do that sometimes, you know? So, one reporter, that wise-guy from CNN, Jim Acosta, the Fake News Network asked what that meant, so told him that it wasn’t that I was proud of it. But, well, I explained, like hey, being un-proud is like being 'un' anything else, you know? It's like if you're un-hungry, right? I mean, if you're un-hungry, you're not hungry but you could also be hungry - un-hungry! Or if you're un-funny nobody is gonna laugh at you, or they might. You just don’t know. Then, another wise-guy reporter says that if I wasn’t unproud, then I was proud. He called it a double negative or something stupid like that, the egghead. I was like, “Double negative? I wouldn't even be single negative. Being negative is not positive, and I am positive about what I just said, double-plus positive in fact. I mean, that's what I'm talking about here. There's so much deception from my opponent that no one can see the difference between the truth like I tell it and all of her un-truth.” And I knew they loved it ‘cause when I was done they were all really quiet. They were just standing there with their pads in their hands with this blank look on their faces, you know? They were like, “Wow!” Yeah, you could say I stunned them alright.
So, we had these great rallies where I got to use my beautiful words and really stun the crowds. I mean, we found out that you didn’t have to have the smartest people either. In fact, we found out that those smart people we’re always asking you about stuff like policy. Like how are you gonna pay for this tax cut? How are you gonna take away Obamacare? Do you have a replacement for Obamacare? What about this? What about that? The eggheads, like the Dumbocrats – I just made that up, see I have great ideas with words – they always were like always hung up on all these details, but my real people, my honest base, they wanted the basics, like the wall, a big, beautiful wall on the Southern Border. They wanted to make our country great again. They didn’t want all these stupid little details, so we spared them all the details and just gave them a good time. Actually, we won with poorly educated. I love the poorly educated. You show them a good time, they vote for you. Real simple.
But, of course, there were always these libtards and those Antifa types who would try to ruin our good times at these rallies. They protest. They go and they cry like little girls out front. They yell and scream while I’m giving my people these beautiful words of mine, and we’re trying to have a good time but these radicals are interrupting me. A couple of times, you know what I wanted to? I wanted to hit a couple of those people so hard. I would have hit them. No, no. I was going to hit them, I was all set and then I got a call from a highly respected governor. I was gonna hit one guy in particular, a very little guy. I was gonna hit this guy so hard his head would spin, and he wouldn’t know what the hell happened. I was going to hit a number of those weasels so hard their heads would spin, they’d never recover. And that’s what I did with a lot—that’s why I still don’t have certain people endorsing me: they still haven’t recovered. But that’s just ‘cause they can’t handle the truth of it all. They can’t deal with the fact that it’s Nature – it’s the way it’s supposed to be.

Now available on Amazon.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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