American Political Dictionary (updated for the Age of Trump)

Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Saturday, 26 March 2016


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The 4th edition of the American Political Dictionary has just been published. Below is an excerpt. Available at bookstores nowhere.

Active Shooter n. A white wingnut and/or terrorist with an assault weapon exercising his Second Amendment rights. See National Rifle Association.

Alternative Facts. n. a rhetorical device employed by political surrogates of questionable character when reality does not match up with their political agenda. See Trump surrogate.

Assidential adj. The look on Donald Trump's face after he pushes his way to the front of a photo op.

Christ-inanity n. A system of belief, often held by Christian fundamentalists of a certain stripe, which advocates that Jesus was a bigoted, sexist, provincial bumpkin who, in the name of religious liberty, despised poor people, gays and transsexuals. See Religious Liberty and Prosperity Gospel.

Cuntrition n. The state of a politician who has been caught cheating on his wife and appears before a press conference with his wife and family. Not to be confused with contrition.

Disaffected voter Describing a voter so estranged from his or her political party—indeed, from the whole political process itself—that he or she is willing to vote for one of the least qualified presidential candidates in modern American history. See stupid.

Disfuckter n.: A president who tries to disrupt, but instead, just fucks up.

Establishment Republican n. A species of Republican, Homo Moderatus Republicanus, once fairly common in the United States. Now extinct. See Jeb Bush.

Executive time Euphemism. A phrase coined by Chief of Staff John Kelly to describe how Donald Trump manages to piss away half his day tweeting and yelling at the television in the Oval Office.

Gotcha question n. A question asked by an interviewer of a candidate who has no idea how to answer it, and is offended that someone should have the effrontery to ask a question about foreign or domestic policy of a candidate who is running for the highest office in the land.

Etymology: The phrase was popularized by Sarah Palin, a candidate who in 2008 was running for the second highest office in the land and, concerning questions of domestic and foreign policy, didn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground.

GOP n. A multivalent acronym for the Republican Party, which stands for Grand Obsolescent Party, Generally Obstructionist Pricks, Grumpy Old Poopers, God’s Own Party, and Grabber of Pussy.

GOPocrisy n. A state of mind held by many Republicans who support a president (Donald Trump) who couldn’t give a rat’s ass about the GOP’s core principles (such as they are). See doublethink.

Inartful adj. A euphemism, often employed by political operatives, for accidently telling the truth.

Jeb Bush Who?

Kasich n. 1. On a Republican debate stage, the only adult in the room. 2. On a Republican debate stage, the only candidate who doesn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of getting the nomination. See Establishment Republican.

Libtard n. The way a species of low intelligence often begins, and ends, an argument.

Libertarianism n. An amateurish philosophical system, based on a bastardization of Aristotle and Adam Smith, that appeals mostly to upper-middle class white males who believe that the concept of freedom should be dependent on income level, ethnicity, and IQ. See Entitled Prick. On the other hand, don’t bother.

Lie n. For President Donald Trump, a linguistic tic that occurs almost every time he opens his mouth. See alternative facts.

Misspeak v. The act of commenting on an issue by a politician who is making shit up as he or she goes along and, after realizing the political implications of what he or she said, attempts to retract it. Synonyms: bullshitting, lying, pandering.

National Rifle Association A powerful lobbying group for the gun industry that believes that the Second Amendment trumps everything, including common sense and the lives of our children and fellow citizens.

Non trumpetur L. for "It does not follow, and never had a snowball's chance in hell of following."

Patriot n. A man (or sometimes a woman) who loves his country, his guns, his Confederate Flag, and his monthly Social Security and/or unemployment check, who often votes Republican.

Penis n. In the 2016 Republican presidential election cycle, a unit of measure of the viability and/or popularity of a candidate. Synonyms: dick, wang, johnson, pecker, rubio, and trump.

Political debate n. A pissing contest in which serious policy issues are studiously avoided and ad hominem attacks and avoiding the question rule the day. See reality television.

PTTD, or Post Traumatic Trump Disorder A mental condition brought about by the daily catastrophe that is the Trump Administration.

Prosperity Gospel n. The good news, often propagated by filthy rich televangelists, that Jesus loves everyone, but loves millionaires above everyone else. See Christ-inanity.

Religious Liberty A euphemism, often employed by Republicans and Social Conservatives, for the exercising of religious bigotry against gays and transgender people.

Shoot from the Hip A euphemism, often used in reference to Donald Trump, to describe someone talking out of his ass.

Stupid adj. A Trump supporter.

Summit n. An opportunity for ruthless dictators to exemplify to the world what an apprentice Donald Trump is when it comes to foreign policy.

Tea Party n. An extreme offshoot of the Republican Party whose sole aim, legislatively and politically, is to shoot the Republican Party in the foot. See also GOP.

The American People Think/Believe/Want A phrase a politician employs when he or she is delusional enough to think that he or she speaks for 320 million people.

Tinkle Down Economics A feel-good theory of economics that allows Conservatives to piss on the poor and justify their un-Christ- like behavior with a bogus economic theory.

Trump n. A penis. See above.

Trump surrogate n. A subspecies of Homo Rabidus Republicanus that subsists on making the indefensible defensible. He or she can often be found on cable news shows or under rocks. It preys primarily on the ignorant.

Tweeting out of one’s ass Idiom. Used to describe what President Trump does every morning on the toilet when he should be devoting his time to mastering complex domestic and foreign policy issues. See executive time.

Useful idiot n. In spy craft, someone who is so fucking stupid that he or she can be used for propaganda purposes without the subject’s having any idea he or she is being used—for example, Donald Trump, or for that matter, nearly the whole RePutincan Party.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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