The true story of Marvel Comics' The Whizzer

Funny story written by Gee Pee

Sunday, 28 July 2013


The funny story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Transfused with the blood of a mongoose that killed the venomous snake that sought to bite him, Bob Frank, a skinny bedwetter, acquired the ability to store massive quantities of urine, which he used as a weapon to fight supervillains and defend truth, justice, and maidenly virtue. Donning a urine-colored costume, the chest of which was emblazoned with a huge blue "W," to warn evildoers of the consequences of crime, should they tangle with him, and a pair of blue shorts that resembled Depends (and probably protected him from urinary leaks), Bob adopted the alter ego of the Whizzer.

He could urinate for up to three hours continuously and as many s six hours intermittently. His stream of urine gushed forth with more force than water flowing through a firehouse. Neither walls of stone nor small trees could long withstand the pressure he directed against them, and hoodlums fell before his release as they would before the mighty waters of a flash flood. If he was not careful, he could erode hillsides and create small ponds.

Not surprisingly, the Whizzer was not extremely popular among even Marvel Comics readers, who, normally, are content to read pretty much anything that comes out of the House of Ideas' Bullpen. Perhaps, Al Avison, the comic's original artist believes, the Whizzer was slow to catch on with fans because they were offended by the idea of a superhero handling his penis in public-not that Avison ever actually depicted the Whizzer whizzing; the Comics Code Authority would never have agreed to such representations. Whenever the Whizzer unleashed his secret weapon, Avison made sure that the superhero's back was toward the reader or he was partially concealed by handy obstacles. However, the yellow stream was often shown, gushing forth from behind a tree, a wall, an opponent, or some other object. "The effect was certainly dramatic," Avison recalls.

For a time, he and his member were members of The All Winners Squad, despite the fact that he was pretty much as big a loser, even with superpowers, as a superhero can be. He claims to have fathered two mutants, Quicksliver and his sister, the Scarlet Witch, by none other than Miss America. However, he refused to take a paternity test and his claim has been contradicted by Miss America, who said, "There's no way I'd have slept with a loser like him." The Whizzer was also drafted by The Liberty Legion, a group of wannabe costumed crimefighters that no one in the sizable Marvel Universe had ever heard of and who were laughingstocks to the Marvel villains who were unfortunate enough to have squared off against them, usually by accident.

Marvel writers and artists heaped one indignity after another upon him, and The Whizzer became as big a joke with readers as he was with his creators. Finally, in an act of mercy, he was killed off when he was flushed down a urinal in a public toilet in Flushing, New Yawk, and he hasn't been seen since.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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