TOMBSTONE, Arizona – (Satire News) – The iNews Agency reports that a door-to-door flour tortilla salesman in Tombstone, has been arrested for first-degree turtle abuse.
Local authorities arrested Derek Simon Sipplovax, 29, for endangering a harmless animal.
Sipplovax, who has an IQ of 47, reportedly tied a semi-mini-rocket to the shell of his pet turtle Kimberly, which his wife says is really a male turtle, but she noted that Derek Simon is really and truly missing some of the keys on his mental computer keyboard.
Mrs. Sipplovax, who in 2013, was voted Miss Saguaro Cactus, said that she was able to hit Derek Simon over the head with a Louisville Slugger baseball bat, distracting him long enough to take the rocket off of Kimberly’s shell before the little fellow ended up in a world-of-hurt.
She then called police who took her husband in and are holding him on a $750,000 bail.
Meanwhile little Kimberly has been taken out of the Sipplovax household, and she/he is now staying with three nuns at The Good Sisters of Perpetual Preparedness Church in downtown Tombstone.