London— Unaware of his importance, Angus McGree, a local Londoner who's also a pet Guinea pig is protecting scores of innocent civilians daily, several reports confirmed Wednesday. The companionship he provides is the only thing stopping his owner, area man, Shamus Couzens, from committing one of the most horrible acts in British history.
According to sources, the small critter who appears to do little more than walk around his cage and occasionally squeaks for food unwittingly provides the 46-year-old security guard with the minimum amount of friendship required to prevent him from losing his mind and masterminding the most ghastly, unspeakable thing ever carried out by a lunatic on British soil.
The light brown-and-white-colored Guinea pig reportedly has no idea that every minute his owner spends feeding him, cleaning his cage, or gently stroking his fuzzy head is another minute not spent meticulously thinking about something that has haunted the public consciousness for decades.
As he munches lettuce and grinds away at his maple wood chew, sources said the otherwise ordinary house pet is all that stands between his owner and a terrible thing. The evil feat would forever alter a nation, its people, and its way of life.
At press time, reports indicated Couzens was distraught after discovering Angus' lifeless body on the floor of his cage, and had immediately set out on his original mission to purchase a jar of mint jelly that he poured on his fish and chips at Poppies Fish & Chips. People at the restaurant suddenly screamed and ran out of the eatery in terror, yelling that there was a nutter barricaded at Poppies breaking the Queen's royal tradition on culinary etiquette.