OTTAWA, Canada – (Satire News) – A reporter with the Chicago Wind newspaper reports that the individual who set fire to Ottawa’s Church of The Wandering Moose, was caught by parishioners and beaten all over his body with several collection plates.
The individual who refused to give his name, said that he was associated with a terrorist faction based in Witches Tit, Minnesota.
One of the persons who beat the arsonist said that the fire bug greatly resembled Matt Gaetz, except that this person’s head wasn’t as gigantic as Matt’s head is.
Gaetz’ head has been described as being the size of a Brontosaurus stomach.
Local authorities say that the church burner is originally from Afghanistan, but moved to Witches Tit, Minnesota when he was 19 days old.
SIDENOTE. The Chicago Wind reports that the terrorist will be placed in a jail cell with 4 African-Americans, who are extremely religious Christians. Ahhh, can you say pinata?