NEW YORK CITY – (Satire News) – The Chicago Daily Wind has broken the story that Trump’s private bodyguard is being investigated for various violations, and the word on 42nd Street is that he will turn on Trump faster than a police car turning a street corner.
The Daily Wind has learned that Matthew “Olive Garden” Calamari, who has been the Trumptard’s most trusted bodyguard for 40 years, cannot carry a tune, but prosecutors say that they expect him to sing like opera singer Luciano Pavorati within the coming weeks.
A close friend of Calamari’s said that the bodyguard knows way more about Trump than Ivanna Trump, Marla Trump, Mary Trump, and Melania Trump all put together.
Meanwhile, Moscow’s state news agency, The Kremlin Voice, reported back in January, that Calamari told an ex-girlfriend that “Old Baby Fingers” has a tattoo of Stormy Daniels’ tits on his gonads.
In Other News. Matt Gaetz told Anderson Cooper that contrary to swirling rumors he has never French-kissed Marjorie Taylor Greene, or even fantasized about it. He then added that to be honest he would much rather prefer to French kiss Mitch McConnell. Cooper chimed in saying, “Oh my, Matty, that is just so gay in oh so many ways.”