ELEANOR RIGBY – Rhode Island - (Satire News) – After being in hiding for 17 years the dreaded Stipalacocksolosis has emerged from hibernation with a vengeful vengeance.
Insect scientists have been warning that the infamous cicadas were going to arrive in 2021, and wreak overwhelming havoc like never before since 1953, when a swarm of cicadas actually totally engulfed New York’s Empire State Building, causing the elevators to completely freeze up.
And now trillions of these little bastard/bitches, as Oprah Winfrey calls them, have pretty much taken over the state of Rhode Island covering up just about everything but campfires.
A member of the Eleanor Rigby Police Department, Officer Lambro Calhounmeister, Jr., (Badge #89103694), said that at first he started shooting the cicadas with his police-issued revolver, but he had to stop when he ran out of bullets.
Governor Gina Raimondo, 50, has called out the National Guard, but she clearly pointed out that there is nothing really that they can do since, for one thing, cicadas are the quickest reproducing insect known to man, and they can literally lay over 893 eggs just in one egg-laying session, that will gestate and hatch within 26 hours.
SIDENOTE: GOP Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene stupidly suggested that the state of Rhode Island simply use napalm to get rid of the little cicada mofo’s.