Liam Neeson 'Taken 4' Performance "Exceptional"

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Saturday, 31 October 2020

image for Liam Neeson 'Taken 4' Performance "Exceptional"
Hi, Dad. I've been taken again. Can you come and get me?

Fans of the 'Taken' movies will be interested to learn that the fourth film in the series, 'Taken 4: A Ride' will be released into cinemas a week on Monday, 9 November, or 9/11.

Liam Neeson once again plays Bryan Mills, the former CIA operative who nonchalantly dispenses with an assortment of undesirable-looking characters by knifing, shooting, strangling, drowning or hanging them, by breaking their backs or necks, in explosions, or by burning them to death.

There's more of this here.

The new movie takes place two years after the events in 'Taken 3'. Kim has had her baby, and, even though it is a boy, she has kept her promise, and called him Lenore, after her own mother.

Expecting his daughter to be kidnapped at any moment, Mills has moved his family to New York, from where it is relatively easy to get a quick flight to Europe to effect a rescue.

Mills goes to the local mall with Kim and Lenore to buy ice creams at Swensons. He goes for a piss, but whilst he is in the restroom, Kim and Lenore are taken by McDick, the bully from the primary school where Mills was a student. The two fell out, and McDick never got around to forgetting.

Now, 50 years on, McDick plans to exact revenge on Mills, and packs Kim and Lenore off to Australia. Mills follows, killing 127 people, including McDick, 14 kangaroos and a koala bear, before freeing his loved ones.

On the way to Sydney airport, Arab terrorists who were once thwarted by Mills in an arms deal, seize Lenore, and whisk him to Syria on an unscheduled flight. Mills listens in on the young lad's 'babycom', and establishes their ultimate destination. He follows on foot, running, then swimming, until he reaches mainland Africa, steals a camel, and ends up near Aleppo, where he single-handedly kills many people, rescues Lenore, and brokers a peace deal between the warring factions, by intensely staring at them in a sinister way.

Kim had stayed on in Sydney for a few extra days shopping, but now meets the pair in Istanbul, the scene of 'Taken 2'.

As if the locals were expecting them, Kim and Lenore are rekidnapped, and held in absolute squalor and pure degradation in Turkey's top 5-star hotel. Mills has a map of Istanbul in his brain, and quickly decides the likely place his daughter is being held. He is right, and smashes his way through 60 more killings, before liberating Kim and her baby. The threesome go to a nasty-looking ice cream parlor for the ice creams they were going to have back in New York, and which are, by now, probably melting on the table at Swensons.

Fantaski, a Russian who saw the first three 'Taken' films, and knows the plots inside-out, is sitting at the next table, unnoticed by Mills.

Fantaski, I mean, not the table!

The Russian poses as a waiter, and delivers a pound of Semtex to their table in the form of a strawberry triple-thick cherry sundae, but you can't fool Mills! He's seen this trick at least a dozen times, and he grabs the assailant and the bomb, and runs out back, into an alley, forces the sundae up Fantaski's rectum, and breaks his neck three times, before launching him over a wall into a canal where some of the dead bodies from the previous kidnap attempt at the hotel are still bobbing about.

They return to New York safely, despite another kidnap attempt on the plane, this time foiled by Kim, who fends off the Libyan terrorist by wiping a diaper full of shit into his face.

A great movie, with Neeson at his best, whatever that means.

'Taken 4: A Ride' opens on Monday, 9 November.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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