Easy Listening Music Enthusiasts In Call For Equality

Funny story written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 16 September 2020

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Do the lives of Easy Listening Music enthusiasts matter?

We're constantly told that we should not judge people or discriminate against them because of their color, sex, gender orientation, religion, or political stance, and now comes the latest warning - to stop judging people because of the music they listen to.

With the LGBTQ and Black Lives Matter movements in the ascendency at the moment, every snowflake from Aachen to Zurich is crying "I'm a victim!", and petitioning for changes in attitude.

Now, it's the turn of those who are Easy Listening Music enthusiasts.

Easy Listening Music is music that is easy, not difficult, to listen to.

Artists who fall into the laid-back, sleep-inducing world of ELM include the likes of Henry Mancini, Andy Williams, Perry Como, Dean Martin, Tony Bennett, Ray Conniff, and Matt Monro, but there are, sadly, too many to mention them all.

Fans of the genre are most often those 'getting on in years', people who have 'turned a musical corner', and who might have spent rather too much of their time in supermarkets or lifts.

Bert Dixon, 71, is a fan. He said:

"My daughter always laughs when I put my Al Martino and Tony Bennett LPs on. It's hurtful what I have to suffer. I'm sure there are others like me, who just want to sit in an armchair, listen to soothing riffs, and drift off into the wide blue yonder."

Another avid listener of the drowsy noise is Dennis Boxhead, 82. He's got a 12-CD collection of Mantovani, and also taps his fingers to Irish hero, Val Doonican. He said:

"I like what I like. I'm not changing for anybody."

And when Elsie Wazzock, 91, throws open her windows to treat her neighbors to her stunning accompaniments of The Carpenters, they often don't react favorably. She said:

"I've had eggs thrown at my windows, and insults in the street. It's not right. I may like different music, but I'm the same underneath! I just want to be treated the same as everyone else!"

An organization known as ELMLM is expected to form soon.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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