Prosecutors look the other way in Seagull case

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Saturday, 22 December 2018


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Seagull: "I'm seeking new challenges as an actor."

La La Land—Prosecutors in La La Land (aka Los Angeles) announced that martial arts expert and occasional “actor” Steven Seagull will not be prosecuted for a 2002 sexual assault he (allegedly) committed against a former model.

According to the model, the incident occurred at the Beverly Hills Ho-tel when she (the model, not the Ho-tel) was seventeen.

In addition to the model, an actress also claims that Seagull raped her when she was 18 and working as an extra on the actor's film, On Deadly Ground. The rape, the actress acknowledges, was preceded by a kiss. 'But that doesn't make it right,” she added.

The Russian-born actor has also been accused by more than a half dozen other women, including actresses, crew members, reporters, and other sex workers.

Prosecutors said they decided not to prosecute Seagull for three reasons: a lack of evidence, expired statutes of limitations, and Seagull's “considerable size and phenomenal martial arts skills.”

“I'd hate to bring charges against a guy who could beat my ass in a dozen different ways,” an assistant district attorney said.

Liza Bloom, who represents the women, said, “I appreciate how the prosecutors looked the other way when considering my clients' cases.”

Seagull said, “It's time for me to move on. I'm filming a new movie soon, and I'm seeking talented young actresses who want a chance to break into show business.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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