Movie-Quoting Dumbass Who Stood Precariously On Railing Of Cruise Ship No Longer King of the Wo- Woah! Aaaaaaaaah!

Funny story written by SamIAm

Thursday, 8 November 2018


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10 miles west of the Florida Keys- A cliché- and movie-quoting dumbass, who thought he was being really original by re-enacting a famous scene from the movie Titanic, ceased to be king of the world on Friday, when he slipped from the railing of the Carousel cruise ship. He planned the discount cruise months in advance, along with two college buddies, and was hoping to get laid by either a cocktail waitress, or a really drunk housewife who hated her husband.

Peter Sanders, 31, a fry cook from Wellsburg, Texas, was known by friends, family and strangers as "that obnoxious idiot who won't stop making movie quotes and it's getting on my nerves".

"Peter was an okay friend," said William Hatcher, 36, who says he only went on the cruise because he didn't have to pay for it, and was one of the witnesses to Sanders' accident. "I'd seen him do the king of the world Titanic scene hundreds of times before - arms spread and everything - in fishing boats, in his car, on the edge of his bed, once on a tricycle while going down a steep hill. He thought he was impressing the girls and believed they thought he was cool. But I never thought he'd be dumb enough to do it on an actual cruise ship."

"He was always coming on to me at the bar," claimed Becky Austin, a 22-year-old college student from Houston. He was trying to make me laugh all the time. He pretended to be Adam Sandler, but everyone knows Adam Sandler's an unfunny jackass, and I wasn't impressed. Once, he even put a bag of dog shit on my front porch and lit it on fire, then blamed it on an invisible penguin. It got to the point where he kept trying to touch me, so I picked up a beer bottle and threatened him. He just put a finger to my lips and shushed me and said, 'You had me at stop-snapping-my-bra-jackass-or-I'll-stab-you-in-the-throat-with-this-beer-bottle.' You could tell he truly believed he was being romantic and cool."

This is not the first time Sanders movie quotes had put him in danger. In 1998, he was shot at, and eventually stabbed in the gut while visiting New York City.

"Plain common sense could have helped him avoid that one," says Hatcher. "I mean, you don't go to a Tupac concert in the Bronx and walk around quoting Brer Rabbit lines fromSong of the South because you think it's ironic. Some people just won't find that funny no matter how funny you think it is."

Sanders body has never been recovered, and authorities believe they will never find it.

"If you want to know my opinion," said Hatcher, "I don't think he's dead at all. I think he's on some deserted island somewhere with a long beard and trying to make love to a volleyball named Wilson. That's just his style."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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