"I just keep forgetting that I don't have a todger any more," said a despondent Doctor, "and, to be frank, I rather miss my old trouser snake."
The new Doctor opened up to our Entertainment Editor, Paxton Quigley, in an exclusive interview.
"It's difficult regenerating and transitioning at the same time. Can you imagine it?"
"I'd rather not," was my reply.
"I get nervous when I want to use the loo, and I've yet to use the ladies, because it's just so foreign to me. I've had a penis since God knows when, and certainly long before 1963 AD when I first made it to Earth. I am told that the ladies loo is much cleaner than the gents. There's no piss on the floor, for example, but using them does have a disadvantage for me. I get strange looks when I go in the gents, and I've had offers from obviously-excited blokes in pub toilets. I think you know what I mean.
"But if you think I'm going to let one of those things near me, you can think again. Their ardour flags immediately when I say 'I used to have one of those'. Haha!"
Warming to his/her theme the Doctor began to reminisce about "assistants" from his/her time-travelling past.
"Since I first encountered Earth in 1963, I've had some rather nice assistants, the Doctor winked with a sparkle in his/her eye. My favourites were in the early days. There was Susan, my 'granddaughter' who was with me at the start. She was a little minx and the Tardis only has one bed." At this point the Doctor winked at me salaciously. "Then there was sixties dolly, Polly Wright, in 1966, with her penchant for miniskirts and kinky boots. Mmm.
"But best of all, was Leela in 1977, a warrior of the savage Sevateem tribe, who were regressed humans, dressed in her little leather bikini. The rest of the tribe might have regressed, but, believe me, she was a very forward girl! It was 'no holds barred' with her. Fortunately, human ova and Gallifreyan sperm are incompatible, or I would have left my mark throughout human history."
"I miss those days, and there's something rather comforting about having a cock and balls swinging between your legs, knowing your assistant is waiting in the Tardis in need of a service. I'm also finding these tit things a bit inconvenient when running from Daleks or Cybermen. I really should invest in a sports bra!"