Chimpanzee Star Of 1996 Film “Ed” Accused Of Sexual Harassment

Written by Michael Sienicki

Friday, 3 August 2018


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A female crew member and a male actor from the 1996 smash hit film “Ed” have come forward to accuse the film’s primate star of sexual harassment.

The events, first reported by TMZ and the Huffington Post, allegedly occurred during the film’s production in California between 1995 and 1996. One female, who worked as a production assistant, told The Post that the chimp had first invited her to his trailer after a long day of montage shooting, highlighting the Troglodyte subspecies performing a variety of precocious baseball-themed feats.

“Up to that point, he seemed nice enough,” commented the production assistant, who was reportedly taken by the chimpanzee’s “charm”. “What’s the worst that could happen? It was just a few drinks with a distant relative of the gorilla.”

But soon after she arrived, the crew member began to feel increasingly uncomfortable.

“By the time I got to the trailer, he had already polished off two bottles of Mad Dog 2020 and was making violent comments about the Jews. That was the moment I knew something didn’t seem right.”

Despite the mammal’s anti-semitic behavior, the production assistant didn’t want to enrage the chimp any further by making an early exit.

And that’s when things took a turn for the worse.

“I asked to use the bathroom… and that’s when he cupped his hands just below my ass and said, ‘do it, just shit in my hands.’ I was disgusted, but he claimed it was natural and that he did it all the time… so I did.”

According to the woman's report, once she had finished defecating, he ran the contents between his fingers with a satisfied disposition before flinging it at the nearest wall in a terrifying show of dominance.

“It was horrifying,” she added, “and he didn't even offer to wipe.”

What had once started as a friendly night out, had turned into a primal nightmare for the woman, but she wasn’t the chimpanzee’s only victim. Another member of the film’s production has also come forward with grizzly details of the primate’s behavior on set.

The male actor, who wishes not to be named, but starred in a sitcom about a group of intellectually-impaired friends, has claimed that he, too, was a victim of the mammal’s unevolved advances.

“After the first month, he began showing up to set intoxicated every day. Sometimes alcohol, other times animal tranquilizers, I'm pretty sure there was meth,” he stated. “It was a pretty lively crew on “Ed”, but he took it too far.”

The actor has alleged multiple incidents of misconduct, up to and including unwanted groping, slapping, spitting, sucking, poking, touching, licking and “whacking it while hanging upside down from a boom mic.”

The actor, whose good years are most definitely behind him, has gone on record as saying, “Years of therapy, and I still hear his pleasure-drunk screams when I close my eyes. It ruined my marriage, and I still can't go to the zoo with my children.”

When contacted for a comment, the chimpanzee’s lawyer stated, “The history of my client’s substance abuse is well documented, and has been tabloid fodder for years. I mean, he was the world superstar of 1996. The pressures of fame and success had taken their toll on him, as it has with countless other stars and starlets. As such, I believe it is he that is the victim, and we vehemently deny these egregious allegations.”

When asked about the mounting testimonies against his client, the defending counsel had this to say, “My client is well aware that he has acted reprehensibly in the past -- we all remember the Letterman incident -- but for the past three years he has committed himself to sobriety, his wife, and their two lovely children. We will handle this matter swiftly through the courts.”

At time of going to press, in a shocking turn of events, the chimp was denied his legal counsel and publicly stated that he was “super gay,” and would be joining fellow actor Kevin Spacey for treatment in Hawaii to “totally fix his gayness.”

We will have more on this story as it develops.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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